Today 2/27

Today is one of the most difficult of days that I've yet to endure. Today is the day I got married. This is for you....
To My Husband,
If there ever comes a day when you wake up and no longer love me, please let me be the first to know this. I've loved you like I've never loved before. The first man to show me so many different things,so many memories and most importantly the man that I created children with. For I know that we are far from perfect, but our love is true. When I said I do, I said it with love knowing that I would share the rest of my life with you. Life has a funny way of testing everyone in its own way and I believe that we have passed many tests before. The test we're taking now, I didn't study for it. I dont want to fail but if by failing this test will I be prepared for the next one? I hope that the future tests I have to take involve you but I'd truly understand if they don't. I know that I've caused a lot of pain to both you and I but I'm willing to make up for it. I wish that today would just stay in place for some time but it can't. There isn't enough money in the world to buy me what I want the most. I'm sorry.
Your Wife.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Go Get It

Strength

Right Now

Love

Love

Love

Love

Never Fails

It's You

How do you accept defeat when defeat isn't really there, or is it make belief. Mind blowing questions come with life changing answers. Will I follow the voice inside even if it steers me wrong. I want to start a new phase in my life but with this phase I need You. Forgive and forget and don't regret.

You & I

So lost with what I'm feeling.
I want you back. I want my life back.
My family to be whole again. I want to see you every day until my dying days. I cant and won't give up. Ill fight you,her and anyone else in my way. I don't know what else to do. Trust in me. Give me the opportunity to show you different. I love you. I want Us.

Test Me

I know that even with these tests
I can over come them. I'm willing to do that for you.

Last One Standing

Watch "Papa Roach - No Matter What - music video (@paparoach)" on YouTube

Yes It's True

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Fuck Valentines Days
Cause I'm not with you.

Logic

Love makes you do foolish things
But in the end will I look like a fool.
Courage and passion seem alive
Yet death reeks all around.
Patience is a virtue that some have
While others have none.
How do you fix something broken
When all the pieces seem lost.
Who do you follow
Your Logic.....or your Heart
When its all said and done
Ill Always Come Back To You.

I Come Before You

Lost in pensive thoughts lately.

Damn Right

Carol

Why are you crying?What makes this any different from tears shed before?Could you or do you still want that life?What will be different?It'll still be there there when and if you go.There will always be the questioning because of the circumstances.What do you want?Is it what you want?or is it that you cant see it the way it is?Fear,pain and tears is whats happening right now.Will it be the same ten years from now?Are you crazy for even doing this?.Writing to myself cause I cant seem to find anyone else who understands.Tell me,tell him.tell her.Why is it so hard to cope when your heart doesnt break even?I dont know what Im doing.What do you miss?What do you need?What is happening to you?

Battle Hard

I had an eye opener lastnight.I can't believe I was thinking of second/third/fourth chances.Then I saw a picture of the two of you.I laughed at first then I wanted to cry and literally kept telling myself that I should not cry. First off I know that while I was at home and not going out because I still respect the word marriage,you apparently didn't give a fuck about it. What pissed me off was that you are NOT taking care of my children the way you should be. You don't get to them until 8pm, you don't know if they're hungry,if they're sad,all you do is leave to work fuck around with your co worker bitch and then go home to sleep. I have always thought our kids came first but with a new bitch taking up your time I see different. You were to bring them to me this wknd but because you're scared that they'll tell me you have a girlfriend you didn't bring them. I've always told you I'm Always two steps ahead of you on everything. I will tell you this DON'T BEAT HER FACE IN the way you did with me. I WILL give you your freedom to be with whoever you want to be with but with that freedom you want so bad I will also take no better yet RIP YOUR HEART OUT. Be ready for the fight of your life.

Lyrics

Because sometimes music lyrics speak for what youre feeling.


I admit that you almost had me
I admit I was almost crazy
Had me thinking 'bout calling that bitch that night and let her know where she can come and meet me
But it's cool i'mma be a lady
She think she cute but she don't phase me
Can't say I'm not hurt
I'd be damned if I'm broken
What we had is now hers
Let her know she can have it


And I admit that I thought about creeping
So you could get a dose of how I feel
Cause our hearts can never seem to break even
But what's the use I rather pack it up and leave
Cause here we are again, cause you're wrong again
You're trying to tell me that you love me
But your actions say another thing


LET HER KNOW THAT SHE CAN HAVE IT.
FUCK YOU AND THAT BITCH.
NO ONE WILL EVER COMPARE TO ME
BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT DONT YOU.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZcjylFE73M

Think About It

As I sit here and ask myself why I see that word means nothing to you.Soon enough though, you'll be sitting and asking yourself the same question. WHY.

You Do It Too

We've all been there,you know you start off by watching some cute baby and puppy montage of constant laughter and then BAM!!!! You start clicking on videos that make no damn sense at all.That was me last night on Youtube.I was watching a video where a mother was blowing bubbles and her baby was laughing hysterically because their dog was chasing them and "eating" the bubbles.Sounds funny and cute right? It was.Now at the very moment that video ended I don't know why my sometimes unstable mind decided to click on a video that read "Golden Retriever Giving Birth To 9 Pups" yes y'all read that right.I know ....WEIRDO!!!! From there it went down hill fast.Oh by the way it was 10pm when I started with the cute baby vids.So as I'm falling into the depths of youtube I come across the births of the following, horses,goats,spinx cats,porcupine,giraffe and last one I clicked on was of an elephant giving birth.Now giving birth its self is strange but to watch as animals do it becomes even strange.All of the other said animals did the what I call normal thing,you know licking,cleaning and caring for their young.To me the toughest birth were of the horses my god I was counting the fucking contractions for christ sake.Then as my battery was coming to an end I'm watching the elephant and it is by far the most disgusting and disturbing thing I have even seen.Baby comes out and I'm thinking mom is gonna be all gentle to make it get up but no sir I was shocked at how rough the mother was to the baby elephant,but I'm gonna stop there and post the link to the video for you to watch for yourself.If of course you're willing to watch it.That my friends is how I spend my nights before I go to bed.

Link-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IDRIdE05ko

Reflection

Memories

Live & Learn

Unforgettable

Counting The Stars

Closed Doors

I Am The Highway

At times I wonder how it all came down to this moment when I sit in front of this screen and type away.I find very soothing to be able to do this,its my diary of some sort I guess.I dont do it for you and yours,I do it for me to keep my sanity in check.I know you dont  understand why I write but from the looks of it I know you read it.Im not afraid of what comes out onto this screen I write when Im happy,when Im sad and even when Im mad.I dont know maybe Im helping someone out there.?I dont really know where this post is going but Ill continue anyway.


I wonder if you remember everything as clearly as I do.I still dont understand even after 10 months that have passed...WHY??? I know Im far from perfect but why did you hurt me the way you did.In the beginning I knew where it was coming from,it was people lying to you telling you lies about me and what I supposedly had done.I have a very clean conscious I dont and didnt have anything to hide from you and I still dont.I remember every thing you said everything you did.I cant get past that.I remained loyal to you for so long and even after all the abuse started.I did think about it a few times but I couldnt.Simple as that.I was there for everyhting.Helped you build from the ground up everything you wanted to have and you still couldnt see or believe in me.I knew of your shadows that always followed but I stuck around.What did I do to get treated like shit by you?In the end though I did tell you everything and after being abused for 10 years I did do the thing you thought I always did,only difference is that it wasnt with anyone you knew.You wanna know why...every person you accused me with is and still isnt worth my time not then and never will be worth my time.I know this is probably not important but for someone like myself who sits here and thinks of everything I endured and yet I stand with my head held high speaks millions.Im not bitter because I know that at one point in my life I wanted to be with you.Unfortunately it didnt give or bring the happiness I deserve.Now I look at you and actually wish you the best with someone else.Ive closed that chapter in my life.I know what it feels like to put myself first,my happiness that I onced thought I had isnt compared to what it is now.(my Audioslave Pandora Radio is on point right now)I dont have everything I want and need but I will soon enough.I pray that Karma isnt a bitch to you.I hope one day Ill be able to understand why everything happened the way it did,but untill then Ill have my blog to express every feeling I have.I hope I do find peace at the end of this tunnel.

One Word

Love.

My Life

How my weekend begins. Lounging on the couch while the boys play Indiana Jones Leggo Edition.

I See You

Funny how at one point you thought you knew certain people but turned out you never really knew them at all. Funny how you once smiled and laughed with me and now you talk about me. Funny how you only wanted to be in my life only to judge me. Funny how now I really see you and now I'm the one laughing because I now see the truth. Only difference is that I did want y'all in my life now I'm glad I was able to see you for who you really are.