Mis Sentimientos

Como te extraño. Como quisiera verte otra vez. Como  quisiera escuchar tu voz. Lo que tu hiciste no lo podré olvidar. Tu iluminaste mi corazón que estaba en la oscuridad. Quisiera levantar el teléfono y hablarte pero no lo voy hacer porque tu decidiste estar allá. Te quiero y no podré olvidarte, porqué yo si se esperar. Yo estaré aquí para qué cuándo me busques veas qué lo qué yo siento por ti es real. Te esperare.

Armor

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isnt it? It makes you so vulnerable.It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess it up.You build up all these defenses,you build up a whole suit of armor,so that nothing can hurt you,then one stupid person,no different from any other stupid person,wanders into your life...You give them a piece of you.They didnt ask for it.They did something one day , like kiss you or smile at yo, and then your life isnt your own anymore.Love takes hostages.It gets inside of you.It eats you alive.It can leave you crying in the dark.It turns into a splinter that works its way deep into your heart.It hurts,not only in the mind.Its a hurt that hurts the deepest part of your soul.It gives you that rip your heart out pain. I hate love.

Where Does One Go

When you're in love......

It's You

How do you accept defeat when defeat isn't really there, or is it make belief. Mind blowing questions come with life changing answers. Will I follow the voice inside even if it steers me wrong. I want to start a new phase in my life but with this phase I need You. Forgive and forget and don't regret.

Logic

Love makes you do foolish things
But in the end will I look like a fool.
Courage and passion seem alive
Yet death reeks all around.
Patience is a virtue that some have
While others have none.
How do you fix something broken
When all the pieces seem lost.
Who do you follow
Your Logic.....or your Heart
When its all said and done
Ill Always Come Back To You.

Battle Hard

I had an eye opener lastnight.I can't believe I was thinking of second/third/fourth chances.Then I saw a picture of the two of you.I laughed at first then I wanted to cry and literally kept telling myself that I should not cry. First off I know that while I was at home and not going out because I still respect the word marriage,you apparently didn't give a fuck about it. What pissed me off was that you are NOT taking care of my children the way you should be. You don't get to them until 8pm, you don't know if they're hungry,if they're sad,all you do is leave to work fuck around with your co worker bitch and then go home to sleep. I have always thought our kids came first but with a new bitch taking up your time I see different. You were to bring them to me this wknd but because you're scared that they'll tell me you have a girlfriend you didn't bring them. I've always told you I'm Always two steps ahead of you on everything. I will tell you this DON'T BEAT HER FACE IN the way you did with me. I WILL give you your freedom to be with whoever you want to be with but with that freedom you want so bad I will also take no better yet RIP YOUR HEART OUT. Be ready for the fight of your life.

One Word

Love.

Little Update

No one said it would be easy but no one told me how hard it would really be.A little update...
I have 2 of my boys here with me!! My Phillip and my Otis ofcourse the mamas boys :) I am able to smile,to laugh again.All because of them,they love it here.Theres so many things we've done together.They attend school and of course they love it.My next step is to start doing the sports thing,football and baseball.Im still working so everything is going well.I talk more often to my other boys, wish they were here but hey Im happy to at least have 2 for now.Well thats it for now,talk to you guys later.

XOXO  :)

For You I Will

I hope that one day you find this, and that youll know exactly of what it is that I want.

I can no longer keep going without you.I miss you every day.I need you more than youll ever know.What I want is to be able to see you when I wake up,to see you when Im about to go to sleep,to see you throughout the day,to hear your voices,to be able to kiss you, to be able to hold you.I dont have any of that.It brings me nothing but pain to be here without you.Theres nothing more in this world that I want than to be with you.The 1st and ONLY mistake Ive ever done was leave you behind.I feel lost,I feel so alone.Im sorry if you think of this as me being selfish but its not,Im not.I want to get back to you so desperately but Im afraid.Im afraid that if I return I wont make it out alive.Im afraid of the pain that I know Ill receive,afraid of of being hurt in front of you.I really have been thinking of going back...Im tired.I want to be with you.I miss hearing your laugh,I miss eveything.I wish I wasnt so far away.All I really have is some fucking photographs that I look at constantly.I hope that what Im doing is the right thing.Im always second guessing my choices but if I would of stayed I know that I wouldnt be alive right now.I chose to run away from the abuse,the hurt,the pain.I just needed out.One day I will tell you everything from the very beginning and I wont stop until I get to the day that my life flash before my eyes.Please forgive me if at any time that Im gone you cry for me,forgive me for not being there to talk too like we used to,forgive for missing important dates,forgive me for missing out on milestones.Please forgive me.You are the most important thing in my life.You are the reason I live for. You are the reason why I must wake up every morning.As these tears fall I hope your able to understand why I must write.I know that one day I will have you but it seems to be taking forever.

I love you,I miss you,I want you,I need you.
For you I will do whatever it takes.

A Letter To My Boys.
Daniel,Joshua,Phillip & Otis.

Happy Birthday Damion

Even though I may not be your biological mother,YOU are my kids too.I know one day we will be together but for now MY only way of knowing of the two of you is through pictures.I wish I could call everyday and ask how are you,I wish that I could see yall every weekend,I wish I could hug yall till yall say stop it carol but I cant.It breaks my heart knowing I cant be around because your mommy doesnt allow it and I would would rather look at pictures than to have your mom tell YOUR dad that he cant see yall.One day the two of you will be old enough to understand why everything happened the way it did and you too will also see how tried to keep you from us.I miss yall very much boys not a day goes by that I dont think about yall,all the kids always ask when can we pick up Damion & Benny and my only answer to them is I dont know.I remember when yall were small and still in diapers and on bottles,I remember when I took both of those things away,the places we went together,the day little Daniel was born and the both of you wanted to carry him so bad,all the new food you tried,everything those memories will forever stay with me.Words cant explain just how bad I wish you were here.how Id love to hear my name being called from you two.You boys have and will always have a BIG place in my heart because to me yall are my kids too.I love yall very much.
Happy 11th Birthday Damion(in the red)

Love Always,
Carol

Awkward

You know I wasnt gonna write on this one about this but of course fuck it.this past weekend was very busy and full of party invites that we had to miss one of them and go to the other 2 that we had made plans for,that being said I looked up the word awkward cause the most awkward thing happened to me,I sat at the same table next to a girl who I went to school with but the only different thing on that was that not only did I not like her but we actually fought each other.yeah I know right!!??!! but as we all know crazy shit always happens before you have kids so as the adult that I am I decided to start up a simple conversation with said girl.turned out okay which then I realized that the hubs was talking to another(kids were(my kids)acting an ass in the bounce house)girl and as soon as she turned I was like hell theres another one yes people 2 girls who didnt like me way back when.but this one was way far away from me so it was okay,that one I would of kicked her ass!!! but anyway weekend turned out great and we had a ton of fun and a ton of drinks:) what I was to write ....

I have come to terms with the people around me family mostly and Ive learned that when I really need people to be around for support and such no one is ever around,Ive learned that when MY family needs helps everyone always has an excuse to say no to us, and because of all of that Ive learned along time ago that the only people I need in my life are my 4 babies and my husband.Dont get me wrong it hurts to know that we have no help but again they actually do us a favor,if and when things were different I dont know how close or together we'd all be.I would like that alot but you know shit happens.I have and will continue to tell my husband that the only family he needs is us,his wife and kids.anybody else can go to hell,we'll all see each other there anyway.Family is very important to the hubs,not so much to me(only mine matters)and it breaks my heart when he tells me that "no one loves him" he'll ask why? and at times I have no answers to give him.but babe we will be okay with or without them!!!

I needed to get that off my chest and agin Thank You Blogger for allowing me to do this.

XOXO Carol

FYF

Overall this week has been pretty good until I got a call early in the(wedsnday)morning with some really shitty news!!!
A friend of ours had to have her baby girl who is 4 life flighted to the hospital because she was kicked on the head by a horse,yes you read that right!!!she is currently in the ICU has all kinds of iv's and things of such all over her little body,they had to shave her entire beautiful head of blond hair for surgery to remove broken bone fragments from her brain,these next 72 hrs are very crucial but overall she is responding very good to everything!!Thank GOD for that!!!Nothing but love and prayers are going your way Brenna,we all love you and need you around just a tad bit longer. :)

that being said...
Fawk You,Fawk You,Fawk You ,Fawk You to the horse that kicked her,
I will forever see horses in a totally different way now!!!

Happy

Yesterday had to be one of the most mind altering day in my life,we went to pick up my bonus babies!!!!!! I was expecting the same shit like always we get there and they tell some bullshit that hey are not there but they we're,hubby talks to who I'm guessing are her brothers? and he walks up to he little patio area and since my ass is blind I couldn't see who was here but what I did see was a small white shirt wrapping his arms around babe!!! That very moment made a few ears run down my face!!! Then they both jumped in the ruck and I felt so strange like as I was meeting them for the first time or something,weird I know then I looked back and saw two smiling faces and I got a "Hi Carol" melted my mothafuckin heart away!!!! My DAMION & Benny,then we get home and my babies went ballistic hugging,high fivein', and just straight up throwing a welcome home party(I can just imagine when they get older,trust me they know how to party)lets just say their party didn't end until 2 am!! but I was happy that my kids were happy seeing their brothers again.I am a very blessed momma to have 6 boys under my roof and I hope I get he chance to continue to all of them grow up and become responsible MEN.and to top it off Fathers day weekend,I know my babe is very happy and pleased to have them all together once again.

Damian

This one is dedicated to my "bonus" son Damian Bernal.

Happy Birthday "Son" I really wish things were different and I would of loved to have you here at home with us~!! but things are not that way and I truly hope that when you get older you come to realize that the people in this home have ALWAYS loved you and your brother very much!!!!! I wish I could call you and ask to see how you are doing but to many people on your side that is crossing the line and I'm only looking for trouble and drama,when in fact I just want to speak to y'all,I miss y'all very much and love when y'all are here! I am very PROUD to call you and your brother my SONS!!!!the kiddos here Miss y'all as well and it hurts me when they ask about y'all,or when they say "they re coming for Christmas right mommy?" it breaks my heart.I know that you "think" everything is all wrong but baby trust me when I say this to you....WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU AND ONE DAY YOU WILL BE HOME WITH US!!!! I hope you have lots and lots of fun on this day(Dec.6)and know that no matter what we are always with you.

Happy Birthday Damian

Love Always,
Carol & Dad

Leap Year

my very favorite from this movie !!!

May you never steal, lie, or cheat, but if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows, and if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life, and if you must cheat, then please cheat death because I couldn't live a day without you.

Bittersweet Ending

Today I had to do one of the hardest thing a mother could do,I had to say goodbye to the teachers and staff at Pine Forest Elementary.This post is dedicated to them.

Mrs.P-Thank you everything that you have done for our family,thank you for never giving up on my kiddo,thank you for looking at things through a mothers eye,thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to make sure that my kid was doing good in class,thank you for being the person you are,thank you for the allowing me to feel comfortable when walking through your door whether it was a good day or bad.We will miss you dearly.Thank You :)

Mrs.L-You...are he person who showed me that there is a different way when a parent walks into the office,instead of a getting a "can I help you" I always received a "Hi Carol what can we do for you"and that alone means a whole lot,thank you for all that you do for the school,Thank you!!!!

Mrs.C-words cant describe how you as a teacher made a big impact on us,when we were going through a rough patch you were the reason both kiddo and I looked forward to going to school,Thank you for your support,saying good bye to you in kidergarten was so sad because you were and will always be the teacher who gave us hope during the when darkness was all we saw.Thank You

Mrs.F-Boy did we have some hard times...:) but even with that being said,my kiddo always talks about you.He always says how you did this,you did that and that means that you did one hell of a job teaching him!!Thank you for being so patient with him,thank you for being the kind of teacher that you are,thank you for EVERYTHING.Thank You

Mrs.V-thank you for allowing my child to have his own place in your class,it made us sad to think that we were not going to spend an entire year with you but at least we got half a year.Thank you for caring about him as much as you did,Thank You Mrs.V!! we will miss you !!

When we said our goodbye's today,I couldn't believe how much I'm going to miss you all,Thank you for all that you do.

Ramos Family

From The Bottom Of My Heart

I am going to blog about the miners in Chile because I have watched this from the very beginning up until the last 33rd miner was out.I have also been crying my ass off like a little bitch even when I know that every single man is coming out the exact same way.I am an emotional wreck!I am truly AMAZED at the power one country has for it's people and the will to NEVER give up.I do not care that some of the men were cheating all that matters is that they are safe and that they are with their families.I could just imagine how much everyone was hurting,how they were wondering if they were ever gonna see their families again.I do not know what the hell I would of been doing or even thinking if that were me.!.!.!What I do know is that God will FOREVER bless those men and their family for everything that they have endured.And from the bottom of my heart my love and prayers go out to every single man and their families that have went through this!

LOVE from your AMERICAN FRIENDS.

My.Mommy.Moment

Today.I.was.thinking.about.my.other.babies.I.haven't.seen.them.for.awhile.and.it.sucks.balls!!!I.wish.I.could.call.them.and.ask.how.they.are.doing.but.I.cant.since.you'll.throw.the.biggest.bitchfit.ever!!I.know.what.you.wish.to.expect.from.me.and.I'm.sorry.to.burst.your.bubble.that.person.is.not.me.The.only.people.you.are.hurting.are.your.kids!instead.of.you.telling.them.go.visit.your.dad.or.even.calling.to.see.if.we.can.pick.them.up.instead.of.sending.a.childish.text.saying"it's.been.2.months.since.you've.seen.them"Grow.up!anyways.I.miss.my.bonus.kids.and.I.wish.they.were.here.every.single.weekend.with.us!This.is.for.you.boys-We.LOVE.you,no.matter.what.anyone.tells.you,we.miss.you.and.we.are.ALWAYS.thinking.about.ya'll!One.day.when.you.guys.are.older.you.will.know.that.we.were.always.here.for.you!!!!We.Love.You.

My Babies

I have seen plenty of blogs with lots of pictures in them and I said to my self .."I need to do that too"

My Babies...

Daniel,my first born.He is the one who suffers from ADHD and it's all caused by his brothers'.He is very energetic and he will tell you like it is.He is a COD addict(call of duty),he loves unconditionally no matter what.He will always be my baby even if he says"Im a big boy now"

Joshua Jay,my he almost didnt make it miracle baby.He too is from the month of october and he came home from the hospital before christmas.Thank you Lord for this wonderful gift of a child,he is very loving and always wants you to know he loves you.He is the quiet one in the family..but they say "watch out fore the quiet ones"very true!!!Dont ever piss of Josh.Very timid but sweet.Gotta love Josh!!!!

Phillip..he is the splitting image of daddy.He has a temper like no other,he has and needs to get it his way because if he doesnt you will hear a lion's roar and "I hate you" to follow the roar.He tends to be very clumsy,always bumping into tings and falling.He also is "KING" of this jungle but this king is always fighting for his territory with Mr.Otis.

My baby Otis..he is the most sweetest boy in the world !! He loves his momma dearly and noone seems to understand him but me.He was born a day before my birthday..thats alone makes me love him like no other.He also seem to rule everything hat goes on in this house and him and daddy are always butting heads.I hope you will forever stay a momma's boy!!! I love you Otis.

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