Pain & Pleasure

I hope no better yet I know you'll read this.I need and want yall to know this. Everything that Ive done in my life hasnt had any meaning until I became a mother,a mother to not only 1 but 4 boys who I would give up my life for.You have no fucking idea how I feel and if you really knew me you'd know that as every day passes me by Im slowly falling apart.If I left them I left them  because as a father to my children I have NO complaints what so ever,if he was good at anything in his fucked up life it was being a father.If I dont have themwith me at this very second its because Im building up what Ive lost for so many years.I want and I know I will have them with me even if that means making sure that none of yall see them.(Hurry print this out and hand it to the lawyer)I hope my pain brings you pleasure.I do though want to ask you something,Did you ever see me when my entire face was bruised and I had a black eye for about a month and a half?Did you ever notice the scars I carry with me everyday?Did you ever help me clean up my own blood? Did you ever help me walk when I couldnt because 2 10 lbs weight were thrown at me? Did you ever help me rub my back when it was full of bruises? Did you ever notice why I ALWAYS wore shirts that were 2 sizes too big for me? Did you know that it started when I was 16 years old and under your roof? Did you ever hear me cry out for help?Did you fucking ever wonder why?I always ask my self why,why is he doing this,why is he hurting me,why is so controlling. I still dont have an answer.There are days that the only things I can think about is all the fucking memories of pain he instilled in me.How does a man do this to someone who was BEYOND LOYAL to him? I stood next to him when he had nothing,when he had to steal,when he had to deal drugs,when he couldnt even put food on our table to eat and even after all that he still put his hands on me.I didnt deserve any of it.No one ever does. If and when you read this I know that now the things that YOU think Ive suffered are more than what you can handle.This is just some MINOR details that I bring up,you havent had the full story yet.I afraid of what youll think of both him and I if you really knew the entire story.So much pain is inside of me and theres not enough time for me to be able to fully tell my story.I miss those boys very much,you have no idea.I will tell you this though even after all this pain my pleasure will come when I have all 4 of them in my arms again.