My World

Smiling Faces

First day of school for the Ramos boys.

Today 2/27

Today is one of the most difficult of days that I've yet to endure. Today is the day I got married. This is for you....
To My Husband,
If there ever comes a day when you wake up and no longer love me, please let me be the first to know this. I've loved you like I've never loved before. The first man to show me so many different things,so many memories and most importantly the man that I created children with. For I know that we are far from perfect, but our love is true. When I said I do, I said it with love knowing that I would share the rest of my life with you. Life has a funny way of testing everyone in its own way and I believe that we have passed many tests before. The test we're taking now, I didn't study for it. I dont want to fail but if by failing this test will I be prepared for the next one? I hope that the future tests I have to take involve you but I'd truly understand if they don't. I know that I've caused a lot of pain to both you and I but I'm willing to make up for it. I wish that today would just stay in place for some time but it can't. There isn't enough money in the world to buy me what I want the most. I'm sorry.
Your Wife.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Carol

Why are you crying?What makes this any different from tears shed before?Could you or do you still want that life?What will be different?It'll still be there there when and if you go.There will always be the questioning because of the circumstances.What do you want?Is it what you want?or is it that you cant see it the way it is?Fear,pain and tears is whats happening right now.Will it be the same ten years from now?Are you crazy for even doing this?.Writing to myself cause I cant seem to find anyone else who understands.Tell me,tell him.tell her.Why is it so hard to cope when your heart doesnt break even?I dont know what Im doing.What do you miss?What do you need?What is happening to you?

I Am The Highway

At times I wonder how it all came down to this moment when I sit in front of this screen and type away.I find very soothing to be able to do this,its my diary of some sort I guess.I dont do it for you and yours,I do it for me to keep my sanity in check.I know you dont  understand why I write but from the looks of it I know you read it.Im not afraid of what comes out onto this screen I write when Im happy,when Im sad and even when Im mad.I dont know maybe Im helping someone out there.?I dont really know where this post is going but Ill continue anyway.


I wonder if you remember everything as clearly as I do.I still dont understand even after 10 months that have passed...WHY??? I know Im far from perfect but why did you hurt me the way you did.In the beginning I knew where it was coming from,it was people lying to you telling you lies about me and what I supposedly had done.I have a very clean conscious I dont and didnt have anything to hide from you and I still dont.I remember every thing you said everything you did.I cant get past that.I remained loyal to you for so long and even after all the abuse started.I did think about it a few times but I couldnt.Simple as that.I was there for everyhting.Helped you build from the ground up everything you wanted to have and you still couldnt see or believe in me.I knew of your shadows that always followed but I stuck around.What did I do to get treated like shit by you?In the end though I did tell you everything and after being abused for 10 years I did do the thing you thought I always did,only difference is that it wasnt with anyone you knew.You wanna know why...every person you accused me with is and still isnt worth my time not then and never will be worth my time.I know this is probably not important but for someone like myself who sits here and thinks of everything I endured and yet I stand with my head held high speaks millions.Im not bitter because I know that at one point in my life I wanted to be with you.Unfortunately it didnt give or bring the happiness I deserve.Now I look at you and actually wish you the best with someone else.Ive closed that chapter in my life.I know what it feels like to put myself first,my happiness that I onced thought I had isnt compared to what it is now.(my Audioslave Pandora Radio is on point right now)I dont have everything I want and need but I will soon enough.I pray that Karma isnt a bitch to you.I hope one day Ill be able to understand why everything happened the way it did,but untill then Ill have my blog to express every feeling I have.I hope I do find peace at the end of this tunnel.

Different Plans

Well my plans have changed,I am now moving back to Houston.I really don't want to move back but I am not able to find a reliable sitter for my boys here.Talked to my mother and of course she said it was fine to move back in to her house,though I know that's gonna suck major ass I gotta do it.I am beyond stressed I wake up tired,go to sleep tired,I gotta wake my boys up at 6am to make sure they aren't late to school because they attend school close by my job which is a 45 min drive from my sister house.I know that going back will be hard but its the only thing I can do right now.I will continue to work I have already talked to my agent(staffing) and I have a job waiting for me when I get there.The city of Austin has been nothing but good to me and I will miss it dearly but I have to do whats best for my boys and I.I also know that I wont be bothered by the ex cause he has since moved to San Antonio,that puts a distance between us on the other hand though it ll be a little tough to see my other boys more often but they know that I love them very much.One thing I do want to see happen is that I don't have to stay that long at mothers house cause that's bound to cause me some stress but hey for now my main focus is getting to work and taking good care of my babies.

Pain & Pleasure

I hope no better yet I know you'll read this.I need and want yall to know this. Everything that Ive done in my life hasnt had any meaning until I became a mother,a mother to not only 1 but 4 boys who I would give up my life for.You have no fucking idea how I feel and if you really knew me you'd know that as every day passes me by Im slowly falling apart.If I left them I left them  because as a father to my children I have NO complaints what so ever,if he was good at anything in his fucked up life it was being a father.If I dont have themwith me at this very second its because Im building up what Ive lost for so many years.I want and I know I will have them with me even if that means making sure that none of yall see them.(Hurry print this out and hand it to the lawyer)I hope my pain brings you pleasure.I do though want to ask you something,Did you ever see me when my entire face was bruised and I had a black eye for about a month and a half?Did you ever notice the scars I carry with me everyday?Did you ever help me clean up my own blood? Did you ever help me walk when I couldnt because 2 10 lbs weight were thrown at me? Did you ever help me rub my back when it was full of bruises? Did you ever notice why I ALWAYS wore shirts that were 2 sizes too big for me? Did you know that it started when I was 16 years old and under your roof? Did you ever hear me cry out for help?Did you fucking ever wonder why?I always ask my self why,why is he doing this,why is he hurting me,why is so controlling. I still dont have an answer.There are days that the only things I can think about is all the fucking memories of pain he instilled in me.How does a man do this to someone who was BEYOND LOYAL to him? I stood next to him when he had nothing,when he had to steal,when he had to deal drugs,when he couldnt even put food on our table to eat and even after all that he still put his hands on me.I didnt deserve any of it.No one ever does. If and when you read this I know that now the things that YOU think Ive suffered are more than what you can handle.This is just some MINOR details that I bring up,you havent had the full story yet.I afraid of what youll think of both him and I if you really knew the entire story.So much pain is inside of me and theres not enough time for me to be able to fully tell my story.I miss those boys very much,you have no idea.I will tell you this though even after all this pain my pleasure will come when I have all 4 of them in my arms again.

For You I Will

I hope that one day you find this, and that youll know exactly of what it is that I want.

I can no longer keep going without you.I miss you every day.I need you more than youll ever know.What I want is to be able to see you when I wake up,to see you when Im about to go to sleep,to see you throughout the day,to hear your voices,to be able to kiss you, to be able to hold you.I dont have any of that.It brings me nothing but pain to be here without you.Theres nothing more in this world that I want than to be with you.The 1st and ONLY mistake Ive ever done was leave you behind.I feel lost,I feel so alone.Im sorry if you think of this as me being selfish but its not,Im not.I want to get back to you so desperately but Im afraid.Im afraid that if I return I wont make it out alive.Im afraid of the pain that I know Ill receive,afraid of of being hurt in front of you.I really have been thinking of going back...Im tired.I want to be with you.I miss hearing your laugh,I miss eveything.I wish I wasnt so far away.All I really have is some fucking photographs that I look at constantly.I hope that what Im doing is the right thing.Im always second guessing my choices but if I would of stayed I know that I wouldnt be alive right now.I chose to run away from the abuse,the hurt,the pain.I just needed out.One day I will tell you everything from the very beginning and I wont stop until I get to the day that my life flash before my eyes.Please forgive me if at any time that Im gone you cry for me,forgive me for not being there to talk too like we used to,forgive for missing important dates,forgive me for missing out on milestones.Please forgive me.You are the most important thing in my life.You are the reason I live for. You are the reason why I must wake up every morning.As these tears fall I hope your able to understand why I must write.I know that one day I will have you but it seems to be taking forever.

I love you,I miss you,I want you,I need you.
For you I will do whatever it takes.

A Letter To My Boys.
Daniel,Joshua,Phillip & Otis.

Lies & Deception

I tell you this week is not even over and it has been sooo shitty!!! Big Black is not fucking working,she's my burban!!! now I gotta walk everywhere I need to go,good thing is school is a block away and I need the excersise.I really hope 2012 is way better than this year it fucking sucked balls!!!!!! Ive still been looking for work but no luck.Monday was even worse,I mean I understand that sometime people have to lie in order to NOT hurt the people around them but to lie and shut the door in your face is something totally different.I know that lies can hurt and even destroy the things around you but shit really how do you tell four different lies in one conversation,then to think that this particular person was the only one we could see and trust the way we did...a fucking shame.but its okay as I blog about all my troubles I know there are some stupid fucking air headed people who will use this to their advantage and go run their fucking piece of shit ass mouth and sweety go ahead what more can you do to me????? Im used to not having anyone I can trust,Im used to not having family who I can turn too,used to always being the subject in someones conversation and you know what Im still standing and Im still doing all the things I want and can do.I hate not being able to express myself only because I always think about the other people around me and the stupid "what if" I hurt them bullshit.and that my friends is why I blog to express my hurt and disappointment,my thoughts and if this is the only way to do it then so be it.I know I need just a little bit of faith to overcome some of these things but it gets hard really hard for me at times.Oh and I forgot to mention that I deleted my facebook because that too was a way for you bitches to keep tabs on me,FUCK YOU !!!!!! and may you whores keep doing what you do best....Being Sluts,Bitches & Skanks.
Okay I feel better now and to the people who do wish to see me succeed, Thank You.

Awkward

You know I wasnt gonna write on this one about this but of course fuck it.this past weekend was very busy and full of party invites that we had to miss one of them and go to the other 2 that we had made plans for,that being said I looked up the word awkward cause the most awkward thing happened to me,I sat at the same table next to a girl who I went to school with but the only different thing on that was that not only did I not like her but we actually fought each other.yeah I know right!!??!! but as we all know crazy shit always happens before you have kids so as the adult that I am I decided to start up a simple conversation with said girl.turned out okay which then I realized that the hubs was talking to another(kids were(my kids)acting an ass in the bounce house)girl and as soon as she turned I was like hell theres another one yes people 2 girls who didnt like me way back when.but this one was way far away from me so it was okay,that one I would of kicked her ass!!! but anyway weekend turned out great and we had a ton of fun and a ton of drinks:) what I was to write ....

I have come to terms with the people around me family mostly and Ive learned that when I really need people to be around for support and such no one is ever around,Ive learned that when MY family needs helps everyone always has an excuse to say no to us, and because of all of that Ive learned along time ago that the only people I need in my life are my 4 babies and my husband.Dont get me wrong it hurts to know that we have no help but again they actually do us a favor,if and when things were different I dont know how close or together we'd all be.I would like that alot but you know shit happens.I have and will continue to tell my husband that the only family he needs is us,his wife and kids.anybody else can go to hell,we'll all see each other there anyway.Family is very important to the hubs,not so much to me(only mine matters)and it breaks my heart when he tells me that "no one loves him" he'll ask why? and at times I have no answers to give him.but babe we will be okay with or without them!!!

I needed to get that off my chest and agin Thank You Blogger for allowing me to do this.

XOXO Carol