Carol

Why are you crying?What makes this any different from tears shed before?Could you or do you still want that life?What will be different?It'll still be there there when and if you go.There will always be the questioning because of the circumstances.What do you want?Is it what you want?or is it that you cant see it the way it is?Fear,pain and tears is whats happening right now.Will it be the same ten years from now?Are you crazy for even doing this?.Writing to myself cause I cant seem to find anyone else who understands.Tell me,tell him.tell her.Why is it so hard to cope when your heart doesnt break even?I dont know what Im doing.What do you miss?What do you need?What is happening to you?

Real Talk

WHY.......For as many years as I can remember I've been asking my self this same question.How much more of this am I gonna be able to take without completely breaking down.You see I grew up in a home where I had an alcoholic father and a mother who would get beat to pulp because of this said disease.I always seem to be able to remember the bad stuff I saw from my childhood,I never can remember any good and happy things going on around me.As the years went by nothing changed,everything stayed the same even when she was pregnant.I remember hiding under a table and watching as he was about to strike when I scared shitless yelled"dont hit my mom" that keep him calm for that night and that night only.Things just seemed to stay the same for a very long time.Until one day she left us at the sitters house to go find work maybe that was the only way she could get away from it all.We would stay until 7 even 8 pm then it was a quick hurry up and go to sleep.Then my brothers were born and things seemed like just maybe it was gonna be okay but it wasn't.All my life I have been surrounded by abuse.Mine started at the age of 16,till this day.I don't know what more I can take,I know I'm not perfect but FUCK!!!!!! I am human the shit you say hurt me.I stay home,I may not have the house smelling like fucking Martha Stewart but give me some credit we do have 4 boys living in this house.I want to be the perfect house wife you want me to be but I CANT. I do things the only way I know how little by little I didn't have a mom to teach all this shit.You compare me to her.. I'm always yelling and bitching but I'm not like her I sit and help my kids do their best in school,I tech them that one day I'm not gonna be there to do everything for them so they need to learn how to cook and clean even if its only using the microwave.I don't understand how being my husband you can say"I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH YOU THAT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU" I have to ask for government assistance because if I didn't how would we eat?I have to ask your family for money when we need it.I have to pick up after yourself when you come home and leave all your stuff on the floor.I think I do it all and I still have to put a smile on my fucking face when we go out, if I don't I'm just a bitch.I want to be able to cry it all out but I cant because the kids are always around.Yeah I've made mistakes,mistakes that always come back up.I just wish I knew what to do.I bet You didn't know that I have tried to NO SUCCESS to commit suicide not 1 but 3 times.At the age of 12 I put a loaded gun to my head took the safety off closed my eyes took a deep breath and said fuck it,nothing happened WHY? At 15 I took 2 full bottles of prescription medicine hoping to never wake up and I woke up and puked everything out WHY? 16 I cut my wrist and saw and felt all the blood drain from me.I looked out the window and said "please I don't want to do this anymore" but of course I woke the fuck up!!! WHY ?????!!!!!! why am still here? why am I still being abused? why must this shit happen to me? why or what is my purpose here??? One day when I'm not around people are gonna wish that they knew all this shit,wish they could of did something to help me out instead of insulting my parenting skills,my life,my marriage.the only way thing I know how to do is block everything out and make sure that my kids see a smile on their moms face.that I tell them everything will be okay and that I love them.My only question is still the same WHY??????????? Will I ever get the answer......who knows.