Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Real Talk
WHY.......For as many years as I can remember I've been asking my self this same question.How much more of this am I gonna be able to take without completely breaking down.You see I grew up in a home where I had an alcoholic father and a mother who would get beat to pulp because of this said disease.I always seem to be able to remember the bad stuff I saw from my childhood,I never can remember any good and happy things going on around me.As the years went by nothing changed,everything stayed the same even when she was pregnant.I remember hiding under a table and watching as he was about to strike when I scared shitless yelled"dont hit my mom" that keep him calm for that night and that night only.Things just seemed to stay the same for a very long time.Until one day she left us at the sitters house to go find work maybe that was the only way she could get away from it all.We would stay until 7 even 8 pm then it was a quick hurry up and go to sleep.Then my brothers were born and things seemed like just maybe it was gonna be okay but it wasn't.All my life I have been surrounded by abuse.Mine started at the age of 16,till this day.I don't know what more I can take,I know I'm not perfect but FUCK!!!!!! I am human the shit you say hurt me.I stay home,I may not have the house smelling like fucking Martha Stewart but give me some credit we do have 4 boys living in this house.I want to be the perfect house wife you want me to be but I CANT. I do things the only way I know how little by little I didn't have a mom to teach all this shit.You compare me to her.. I'm always yelling and bitching but I'm not like her I sit and help my kids do their best in school,I tech them that one day I'm not gonna be there to do everything for them so they need to learn how to cook and clean even if its only using the microwave.I don't understand how being my husband you can say"I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH YOU THAT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU" I have to ask for government assistance because if I didn't how would we eat?I have to ask your family for money when we need it.I have to pick up after yourself when you come home and leave all your stuff on the floor.I think I do it all and I still have to put a smile on my fucking face when we go out, if I don't I'm just a bitch.I want to be able to cry it all out but I cant because the kids are always around.Yeah I've made mistakes,mistakes that always come back up.I just wish I knew what to do.I bet You didn't know that I have tried to NO SUCCESS to commit suicide not 1 but 3 times.At the age of 12 I put a loaded gun to my head took the safety off closed my eyes took a deep breath and said fuck it,nothing happened WHY? At 15 I took 2 full bottles of prescription medicine hoping to never wake up and I woke up and puked everything out WHY? 16 I cut my wrist and saw and felt all the blood drain from me.I looked out the window and said "please I don't want to do this anymore" but of course I woke the fuck up!!! WHY ?????!!!!!! why am still here? why am I still being abused? why must this shit happen to me? why or what is my purpose here??? One day when I'm not around people are gonna wish that they knew all this shit,wish they could of did something to help me out instead of insulting my parenting skills,my life,my marriage.the only way thing I know how to do is block everything out and make sure that my kids see a smile on their moms face.that I tell them everything will be okay and that I love them.My only question is still the same WHY??????????? Will I ever get the answer......who knows.
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Damn. Now I need to write out a long story. I grew up similar to you. My dad used to beat my mom and sister and when I was 2 I had apnea and he threw me in the crib, I stopped breathing, he wouldn't let my mom leave so she called my grandpa..long story short after he did that to me she left him. He didn't pay a dime of child support and we grew up on welfare splitting a happy meal so we could have dinner. I swore to myself I'd never go through what she did and I refuse to.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever think about taking your life you have boys that need you. Not sure if you believe in God but my mom always said if you commit suicide you go to hell. Was always enough to stop me so I'll pass that on.
Men are assholes. They say things that scar the inside and they are to dumb to realize you cant take it back, say sorry and everything be good. John says shit to me sometimes that leaves me with my mouth open like how can he even say that to someone he loves so I feel you on that level.
Since your married I wont say leave his ass cause he sounds like a dick. Instead I'm gonna give you to websites I read. I dont tell people I read and watch them..lol This chick can be a lot to take in at first but I swear if you start applying what she says, somethings do get better.
http://womenlivingwell.org/
http://www.thebettermom.com/
Not sure if you have texting but u can send me your number and hit me up any time you feel the need to talk or vent.
As Crisc said, if you ever need to talk- email me and we will exchange #'s for texting, talking or whatever. obadpixie at yahoo dot com
ReplyDeleteThere is another website I have been frequenting since a friend of mine told me my other half is a pathalogical liar with sociopathic tendancies... I had to look it up, and it freaked. my. shit. out!
I also found this one website and HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL! Talk about spelling out all of his behavior to the letter. SON OF A BITCH! I would post a link but since I have internet stalkers on my own blog and who knows where else (?), I won't draw the unwanted's attention there. Hit me up in email and I will gladly pass it on to you.
Plethora of first hand knowledge and info to be found there. Those girls can all relate because they have either been thru it or are going thru it now.
For you to post about all of this- you are far stronger than you give yourself credit for. YOU have the power to change things for the better. For you, for your sons and for their future. And if you ever need anyone to remind you of that, look in the mirror. Sure it's easy to see only the bad things, but you do know there are good things out there too! You are beautiful and strong- which is probably tough to wrap your head around at times, but you ARE!
If nothing else, pray to the waxing moon for good things to come. When it is a waning moon, pray for the bad stuff to leave. And under the full moon, pray like hell that he gets what he truly deserves! Because he does deserve something for all he has done... Perspective is a magikal thing. Pray for change, pray for things you need and I will pray for these for you as well. Blessings and hugs girl. You can find immeasurable strength from within.
All I can say is hang in there. I know what it is like to be abused. Not physically but psychologically. All I can say is the world is a shallow place. But anyway, I hate when people go ra-ra speech on me when I am down. They never seem to say the right things. Just what universally accepted. You are still here and that's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteAny man who gives a wife of 4 sons trouble about the way she keeps house deserves to have it re-attached.
ReplyDeleteHe sounds like a fucking douchebag in dire need of a fucking wake-up call. You don't deserve this.
Sorry. You honestly shared your thoughts, only fair to honestly share mine.
I know what it is like to be abused. You out off all ppl. should know my life. As far as I know your house is always spotless and you have a reason to be here for your kids. You are one of the best moms I know.
ReplyDeletehello thanks you for the helpful information
ReplyDelete