Just Remember

You reap what you sow. That's what they say. Karma can be a bitch. Everyday the world turns and for some it can turn out to be good for others bad. This may be your karma. You decided to spend my first born sons birthday with your mistress. I didn't even get to see him until 3 days later. This year you won't be able to spend the boys birthdays with them because they'll be with me. The only difference is that I don't have anyone who will be taking your place. It's sad that things didn't work out. You haven't grown up. You still haven't filled yourself with the temptations that the world has. I just want you to remember one thing. All these women want you because your name comes with a title. That title comes with money. What they don't know is the struggle WE had to endure while getting to the top. They weren't there to fill out every single application. They weren't there when you needed help to pass every drug test. They weren't there when you needed help completing every work order. They weren't they when you wanted and needed to pass your test to become the ac tech you are today. They weren't there waiting for you to be released from jail over and over again. They weren't there when your ex was being difficult. THEY WEREN'T THERE. I WAS. I was there for all of it. I was there when it was hard for us to even keep our utilities on. I always knew that you were worth the wait because I believed in you. I knew that no matter what life threw at us the end result would be great. Now that you have everything, it shows. That's why these women want you. They want the name and status you come with. No matter what you tell them about me, like all the times I left. The times I didn't do the things I was supposed to do. How I apparently cheated. How I lied. How I didn't clean. Just remember to tell them that because of ME  you are the man they see today. Because no matter how many other names you tattoo on your body my name will always remain above your heart because that's exactly where I belong. 12 years I gave you. And even that wasn't enough for you. I will always love you more than you'll ever know. And I truly want nothing but the best for you.

Everything Changes

Today was one of those days that would eventually turn into a do nothing mentality but I decided that I needed to do this not for myself but for the 4 boys that I finally have with me. I got my stuff together and hit the streets hard. I accomplished everything on my to do list. The things I thoughts I wasn't going to do, I did them. I looked at your picture today and asked my self why? Why didn't it work out? Why did I even think that what we had was much stronger than any outside intruder? One thing did come to mind right away. Even though I know my road will be rocky, I know that my boys will be holding my hands as we walk this path and we will be okay. I truly miss going to sleep next to you. I miss waking up to you and walking you out the door. I miss hearing the babies ask if daddys going to work. I miss that. What I don't miss is the lying. The women around you. The late hours you would come home. The smell of alcohol on you. I am actually at peace with what's going on. My main focus is on how I can show and teach these boys how to become great men. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for out there.

Carol 8/12/13

What Hurts The Most

It hurts to know that I still love you. It hurts because I gave you everything I had. It hurts because even after me finding out about your lies, you still couldn't tell me the truth. It hurts because even after all these years 13 to be exact, I miss you when you're not around. It hurts because I have to look into my babies eyes and see the sadness they're experiencing. I gave you more than enough opportunities to save our marriage but most importantly our family. You didn't take those opportunities to fix what was wrong, you used them to continue doing your things your way. Even after all these lies,after all these women, I still love you. There is one thing that I do love more than you though... My 4 boys. I love myself as well and just enough to know that the way you were treating us was wrong. I understand now why people stay with their significant other for years after so much damage has been done. LOVE. They do it for love. I did it for love. For the love I still have for you. For the love of seeing our family together. For the love of being there for one another. For the love of watching our sons grow,laugh and play together. I did it because of Love. Though I'm extremely angry with you right now I know that it will pass. I know there will be a day that I'll be able to face you but right now I can't. I hope that one day you wake up and realize the things you did to us,the lies you said to us were wrong. I hope you don't end up alone and have all your kids hating you. I hope you don't have to live the life your dad is living but I think we both know that's exactly where you're heading. Goodbye My Love
You will always be the first man in my life. My first husband. My first ex-husband. My first everything.

Lost In Love

Broken promises, missed opportunities & painful heartache is what you have given me. Love doesn't conquer all because if it did then you would still be right next to me. I leave with nothing but memories of you hurting me, lying to me and even after everything has been said and done you still didn't love me enough to tell me the truth.  Goodbye Old Friend. 

Truth Is....

It may come easy to you, but when your dealing with a person like myself it doesn't came as easy to me.When I hurt I don't show it,when I'm sad I don't and wont let you know.I want to cry every single day that passes by but I CANT !!!!! It wont do any good.I'm more of a drink my pain away or better yet smile in photographs just to make you think everything is ok.Deep down inside this tough exterior that I put up is a girl with many doubts and so much pain that not even you would be able to handle. I'm just as human as you are,maybe even a little weaker.Though I regret nothing I do in fact reminisce of the good that came, and with that being said....I leave wanting you to ask me for more.

So Long Brother

As I was looking at all my facebook bullshit today I realized that my brother was not my friend,so I send him a message asking if he deleted me or what not and his response SHOCKED me !!!!

Well brother you fucked it all up !!! I didn't think that this shit would happen to me and you but you know what fuck you!!! you aint the first or the last family member that has turned his/her back on me!!!!! and if you must know..I'm gonna air your dirty laundry fucker!!!

First off what I told your girl was to find someone better than your ass cause your 17 and don't work,you spend your days smoking and drinking with your soo called friends,you beat the fuck out of the girl and that right there buddy I do not and will not allow because you did it in my fucking house!!!,you know that dad is sick and getting sicker as he ages and you rather cause him harm because the person he calls to see if I know your whereabouts is ME!!!,why do you think I told you as well that you and her were not good for each other at this point in your life??? because all I want is the best for you and her! I wish I had someone telling me at 16/17 to finish school and not to be in an abusive relationship but I didn't and I had to LEARN THE HARD WAY !!!!! but if this is what you want fine,It just hurts me soo to know that I lost you and if you know me right you know that I will not forgive you for this,I was there every time that you called me to pick you up,I was there when mom was trippin,I was there to listen,I WAS THERE FOR YOU !!! and now I will not take another person hurting me for some bull shit but again its your fucking loss.

I wish you the very best in life and I will Always LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN IM MAD AND HURT!!!!!

Your Sister,
Carol