Armor

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isnt it? It makes you so vulnerable.It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess it up.You build up all these defenses,you build up a whole suit of armor,so that nothing can hurt you,then one stupid person,no different from any other stupid person,wanders into your life...You give them a piece of you.They didnt ask for it.They did something one day , like kiss you or smile at yo, and then your life isnt your own anymore.Love takes hostages.It gets inside of you.It eats you alive.It can leave you crying in the dark.It turns into a splinter that works its way deep into your heart.It hurts,not only in the mind.Its a hurt that hurts the deepest part of your soul.It gives you that rip your heart out pain. I hate love.

The Hulk Says

You know what hurts the most, our incredible hulk is the one who is suffering the most. Last night (7-15) he asked me this"Mom if dad has an apartment why didn't we go live with him?Why are we at grandmas house?" So sad that I didn't even know how to respond to that. Then it happened,he started crying and proceeded to say this "Dad doesn't care about anyone". I will tell you this there will never be a day that I would ever talk bad about you to our children. That's not my style. If at any time our boys ever hold any resentment towards you it's because You hurt them. Boys need their fathers to show them how to one day become a great man. Maybe my hulk is right,maybe you don't care but its hurtful to know how a 6 year old came up with this theory. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

Today 2/27

Today is one of the most difficult of days that I've yet to endure. Today is the day I got married. This is for you....
To My Husband,
If there ever comes a day when you wake up and no longer love me, please let me be the first to know this. I've loved you like I've never loved before. The first man to show me so many different things,so many memories and most importantly the man that I created children with. For I know that we are far from perfect, but our love is true. When I said I do, I said it with love knowing that I would share the rest of my life with you. Life has a funny way of testing everyone in its own way and I believe that we have passed many tests before. The test we're taking now, I didn't study for it. I dont want to fail but if by failing this test will I be prepared for the next one? I hope that the future tests I have to take involve you but I'd truly understand if they don't. I know that I've caused a lot of pain to both you and I but I'm willing to make up for it. I wish that today would just stay in place for some time but it can't. There isn't enough money in the world to buy me what I want the most. I'm sorry.
Your Wife.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Carol

Why are you crying?What makes this any different from tears shed before?Could you or do you still want that life?What will be different?It'll still be there there when and if you go.There will always be the questioning because of the circumstances.What do you want?Is it what you want?or is it that you cant see it the way it is?Fear,pain and tears is whats happening right now.Will it be the same ten years from now?Are you crazy for even doing this?.Writing to myself cause I cant seem to find anyone else who understands.Tell me,tell him.tell her.Why is it so hard to cope when your heart doesnt break even?I dont know what Im doing.What do you miss?What do you need?What is happening to you?

Battle Hard

I had an eye opener lastnight.I can't believe I was thinking of second/third/fourth chances.Then I saw a picture of the two of you.I laughed at first then I wanted to cry and literally kept telling myself that I should not cry. First off I know that while I was at home and not going out because I still respect the word marriage,you apparently didn't give a fuck about it. What pissed me off was that you are NOT taking care of my children the way you should be. You don't get to them until 8pm, you don't know if they're hungry,if they're sad,all you do is leave to work fuck around with your co worker bitch and then go home to sleep. I have always thought our kids came first but with a new bitch taking up your time I see different. You were to bring them to me this wknd but because you're scared that they'll tell me you have a girlfriend you didn't bring them. I've always told you I'm Always two steps ahead of you on everything. I will tell you this DON'T BEAT HER FACE IN the way you did with me. I WILL give you your freedom to be with whoever you want to be with but with that freedom you want so bad I will also take no better yet RIP YOUR HEART OUT. Be ready for the fight of your life.

Lyrics

Because sometimes music lyrics speak for what youre feeling.


I admit that you almost had me
I admit I was almost crazy
Had me thinking 'bout calling that bitch that night and let her know where she can come and meet me
But it's cool i'mma be a lady
She think she cute but she don't phase me
Can't say I'm not hurt
I'd be damned if I'm broken
What we had is now hers
Let her know she can have it


And I admit that I thought about creeping
So you could get a dose of how I feel
Cause our hearts can never seem to break even
But what's the use I rather pack it up and leave
Cause here we are again, cause you're wrong again
You're trying to tell me that you love me
But your actions say another thing


LET HER KNOW THAT SHE CAN HAVE IT.
FUCK YOU AND THAT BITCH.
NO ONE WILL EVER COMPARE TO ME
BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT DONT YOU.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZcjylFE73M

Pain & Pleasure

I hope no better yet I know you'll read this.I need and want yall to know this. Everything that Ive done in my life hasnt had any meaning until I became a mother,a mother to not only 1 but 4 boys who I would give up my life for.You have no fucking idea how I feel and if you really knew me you'd know that as every day passes me by Im slowly falling apart.If I left them I left them  because as a father to my children I have NO complaints what so ever,if he was good at anything in his fucked up life it was being a father.If I dont have themwith me at this very second its because Im building up what Ive lost for so many years.I want and I know I will have them with me even if that means making sure that none of yall see them.(Hurry print this out and hand it to the lawyer)I hope my pain brings you pleasure.I do though want to ask you something,Did you ever see me when my entire face was bruised and I had a black eye for about a month and a half?Did you ever notice the scars I carry with me everyday?Did you ever help me clean up my own blood? Did you ever help me walk when I couldnt because 2 10 lbs weight were thrown at me? Did you ever help me rub my back when it was full of bruises? Did you ever notice why I ALWAYS wore shirts that were 2 sizes too big for me? Did you know that it started when I was 16 years old and under your roof? Did you ever hear me cry out for help?Did you fucking ever wonder why?I always ask my self why,why is he doing this,why is he hurting me,why is so controlling. I still dont have an answer.There are days that the only things I can think about is all the fucking memories of pain he instilled in me.How does a man do this to someone who was BEYOND LOYAL to him? I stood next to him when he had nothing,when he had to steal,when he had to deal drugs,when he couldnt even put food on our table to eat and even after all that he still put his hands on me.I didnt deserve any of it.No one ever does. If and when you read this I know that now the things that YOU think Ive suffered are more than what you can handle.This is just some MINOR details that I bring up,you havent had the full story yet.I afraid of what youll think of both him and I if you really knew the entire story.So much pain is inside of me and theres not enough time for me to be able to fully tell my story.I miss those boys very much,you have no idea.I will tell you this though even after all this pain my pleasure will come when I have all 4 of them in my arms again.

For You I Will

I hope that one day you find this, and that youll know exactly of what it is that I want.

I can no longer keep going without you.I miss you every day.I need you more than youll ever know.What I want is to be able to see you when I wake up,to see you when Im about to go to sleep,to see you throughout the day,to hear your voices,to be able to kiss you, to be able to hold you.I dont have any of that.It brings me nothing but pain to be here without you.Theres nothing more in this world that I want than to be with you.The 1st and ONLY mistake Ive ever done was leave you behind.I feel lost,I feel so alone.Im sorry if you think of this as me being selfish but its not,Im not.I want to get back to you so desperately but Im afraid.Im afraid that if I return I wont make it out alive.Im afraid of the pain that I know Ill receive,afraid of of being hurt in front of you.I really have been thinking of going back...Im tired.I want to be with you.I miss hearing your laugh,I miss eveything.I wish I wasnt so far away.All I really have is some fucking photographs that I look at constantly.I hope that what Im doing is the right thing.Im always second guessing my choices but if I would of stayed I know that I wouldnt be alive right now.I chose to run away from the abuse,the hurt,the pain.I just needed out.One day I will tell you everything from the very beginning and I wont stop until I get to the day that my life flash before my eyes.Please forgive me if at any time that Im gone you cry for me,forgive me for not being there to talk too like we used to,forgive for missing important dates,forgive me for missing out on milestones.Please forgive me.You are the most important thing in my life.You are the reason I live for. You are the reason why I must wake up every morning.As these tears fall I hope your able to understand why I must write.I know that one day I will have you but it seems to be taking forever.

I love you,I miss you,I want you,I need you.
For you I will do whatever it takes.

A Letter To My Boys.
Daniel,Joshua,Phillip & Otis.