Battle Hard

I had an eye opener lastnight.I can't believe I was thinking of second/third/fourth chances.Then I saw a picture of the two of you.I laughed at first then I wanted to cry and literally kept telling myself that I should not cry. First off I know that while I was at home and not going out because I still respect the word marriage,you apparently didn't give a fuck about it. What pissed me off was that you are NOT taking care of my children the way you should be. You don't get to them until 8pm, you don't know if they're hungry,if they're sad,all you do is leave to work fuck around with your co worker bitch and then go home to sleep. I have always thought our kids came first but with a new bitch taking up your time I see different. You were to bring them to me this wknd but because you're scared that they'll tell me you have a girlfriend you didn't bring them. I've always told you I'm Always two steps ahead of you on everything. I will tell you this DON'T BEAT HER FACE IN the way you did with me. I WILL give you your freedom to be with whoever you want to be with but with that freedom you want so bad I will also take no better yet RIP YOUR HEART OUT. Be ready for the fight of your life.

I Am The Highway

At times I wonder how it all came down to this moment when I sit in front of this screen and type away.I find very soothing to be able to do this,its my diary of some sort I guess.I dont do it for you and yours,I do it for me to keep my sanity in check.I know you dont  understand why I write but from the looks of it I know you read it.Im not afraid of what comes out onto this screen I write when Im happy,when Im sad and even when Im mad.I dont know maybe Im helping someone out there.?I dont really know where this post is going but Ill continue anyway.


I wonder if you remember everything as clearly as I do.I still dont understand even after 10 months that have passed...WHY??? I know Im far from perfect but why did you hurt me the way you did.In the beginning I knew where it was coming from,it was people lying to you telling you lies about me and what I supposedly had done.I have a very clean conscious I dont and didnt have anything to hide from you and I still dont.I remember every thing you said everything you did.I cant get past that.I remained loyal to you for so long and even after all the abuse started.I did think about it a few times but I couldnt.Simple as that.I was there for everyhting.Helped you build from the ground up everything you wanted to have and you still couldnt see or believe in me.I knew of your shadows that always followed but I stuck around.What did I do to get treated like shit by you?In the end though I did tell you everything and after being abused for 10 years I did do the thing you thought I always did,only difference is that it wasnt with anyone you knew.You wanna know why...every person you accused me with is and still isnt worth my time not then and never will be worth my time.I know this is probably not important but for someone like myself who sits here and thinks of everything I endured and yet I stand with my head held high speaks millions.Im not bitter because I know that at one point in my life I wanted to be with you.Unfortunately it didnt give or bring the happiness I deserve.Now I look at you and actually wish you the best with someone else.Ive closed that chapter in my life.I know what it feels like to put myself first,my happiness that I onced thought I had isnt compared to what it is now.(my Audioslave Pandora Radio is on point right now)I dont have everything I want and need but I will soon enough.I pray that Karma isnt a bitch to you.I hope one day Ill be able to understand why everything happened the way it did,but untill then Ill have my blog to express every feeling I have.I hope I do find peace at the end of this tunnel.

Pain & Pleasure

I hope no better yet I know you'll read this.I need and want yall to know this. Everything that Ive done in my life hasnt had any meaning until I became a mother,a mother to not only 1 but 4 boys who I would give up my life for.You have no fucking idea how I feel and if you really knew me you'd know that as every day passes me by Im slowly falling apart.If I left them I left them  because as a father to my children I have NO complaints what so ever,if he was good at anything in his fucked up life it was being a father.If I dont have themwith me at this very second its because Im building up what Ive lost for so many years.I want and I know I will have them with me even if that means making sure that none of yall see them.(Hurry print this out and hand it to the lawyer)I hope my pain brings you pleasure.I do though want to ask you something,Did you ever see me when my entire face was bruised and I had a black eye for about a month and a half?Did you ever notice the scars I carry with me everyday?Did you ever help me clean up my own blood? Did you ever help me walk when I couldnt because 2 10 lbs weight were thrown at me? Did you ever help me rub my back when it was full of bruises? Did you ever notice why I ALWAYS wore shirts that were 2 sizes too big for me? Did you know that it started when I was 16 years old and under your roof? Did you ever hear me cry out for help?Did you fucking ever wonder why?I always ask my self why,why is he doing this,why is he hurting me,why is so controlling. I still dont have an answer.There are days that the only things I can think about is all the fucking memories of pain he instilled in me.How does a man do this to someone who was BEYOND LOYAL to him? I stood next to him when he had nothing,when he had to steal,when he had to deal drugs,when he couldnt even put food on our table to eat and even after all that he still put his hands on me.I didnt deserve any of it.No one ever does. If and when you read this I know that now the things that YOU think Ive suffered are more than what you can handle.This is just some MINOR details that I bring up,you havent had the full story yet.I afraid of what youll think of both him and I if you really knew the entire story.So much pain is inside of me and theres not enough time for me to be able to fully tell my story.I miss those boys very much,you have no idea.I will tell you this though even after all this pain my pleasure will come when I have all 4 of them in my arms again.

Real Talk

WHY.......For as many years as I can remember I've been asking my self this same question.How much more of this am I gonna be able to take without completely breaking down.You see I grew up in a home where I had an alcoholic father and a mother who would get beat to pulp because of this said disease.I always seem to be able to remember the bad stuff I saw from my childhood,I never can remember any good and happy things going on around me.As the years went by nothing changed,everything stayed the same even when she was pregnant.I remember hiding under a table and watching as he was about to strike when I scared shitless yelled"dont hit my mom" that keep him calm for that night and that night only.Things just seemed to stay the same for a very long time.Until one day she left us at the sitters house to go find work maybe that was the only way she could get away from it all.We would stay until 7 even 8 pm then it was a quick hurry up and go to sleep.Then my brothers were born and things seemed like just maybe it was gonna be okay but it wasn't.All my life I have been surrounded by abuse.Mine started at the age of 16,till this day.I don't know what more I can take,I know I'm not perfect but FUCK!!!!!! I am human the shit you say hurt me.I stay home,I may not have the house smelling like fucking Martha Stewart but give me some credit we do have 4 boys living in this house.I want to be the perfect house wife you want me to be but I CANT. I do things the only way I know how little by little I didn't have a mom to teach all this shit.You compare me to her.. I'm always yelling and bitching but I'm not like her I sit and help my kids do their best in school,I tech them that one day I'm not gonna be there to do everything for them so they need to learn how to cook and clean even if its only using the microwave.I don't understand how being my husband you can say"I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH YOU THAT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU" I have to ask for government assistance because if I didn't how would we eat?I have to ask your family for money when we need it.I have to pick up after yourself when you come home and leave all your stuff on the floor.I think I do it all and I still have to put a smile on my fucking face when we go out, if I don't I'm just a bitch.I want to be able to cry it all out but I cant because the kids are always around.Yeah I've made mistakes,mistakes that always come back up.I just wish I knew what to do.I bet You didn't know that I have tried to NO SUCCESS to commit suicide not 1 but 3 times.At the age of 12 I put a loaded gun to my head took the safety off closed my eyes took a deep breath and said fuck it,nothing happened WHY? At 15 I took 2 full bottles of prescription medicine hoping to never wake up and I woke up and puked everything out WHY? 16 I cut my wrist and saw and felt all the blood drain from me.I looked out the window and said "please I don't want to do this anymore" but of course I woke the fuck up!!! WHY ?????!!!!!! why am still here? why am I still being abused? why must this shit happen to me? why or what is my purpose here??? One day when I'm not around people are gonna wish that they knew all this shit,wish they could of did something to help me out instead of insulting my parenting skills,my life,my marriage.the only way thing I know how to do is block everything out and make sure that my kids see a smile on their moms face.that I tell them everything will be okay and that I love them.My only question is still the same WHY??????????? Will I ever get the answer......who knows.