Hour After Hour

To Life,To Love & To You

You can't always get what you want in life. You either get it to early to and don't appreciate it or you get it too late and you still don't fully understand what you have in front of you. The worst part about pain is the unexpected kind,the kind that hits you right in your heart. Can two souls that are meant to find each other really live without each other? Peace & clarity are in tune with each other right now. I have peace,you need clarity. For if the two shall meet once again I know that the force that is driven within our souls will finally reach it's destiny. As painful as it may be,it will be okay. To love someone is the greatest gift you can give but to lose that someone is a pain that will live within you forever. For I now know what must be done. I will see you again old friend. I wish you a journey full of peace,full of clarity,full of excitement but most of all I wish you the very best. A love like this comes once in a lifetime. I will forever be grateful for the blessings you have given me. I will always be there to remind you that I once was one of your greatest joys in life. I will always have the pleasure to say that man over there.... He was my husband a long time ago. I will always love you and that's something that no one can take away from me. I'll see you later baby. Good luck. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Your Beloved 1st Wife,
Carol

Follow Your Heart

By all means do what your heart.tells you. Yes I left "The door open for another woman to walk in." like you both like to say. What I didn't think was that you were going to disrespect the fact that you were still a married man. You disrespected the vows we made on February 27. You think you have yourself a winner.... boy she has you fooled. A real woman who ends up knowing that the man she is attracted to is still married and has small children should have enough respect for herself to know that if one day she were to be in that position she wouldn't want another woman interfering in her marriage. A real woman would say if it's meant to be we'll be together someday and I will not be the cause of a family separation. A real woman would atleast have the decency to talk with the wife and explain her side if the story. A real woman would not bash on the wives mistakes. A real woman would simply wait to see how this "love" turns out. A real woman would never ever be the other woman. You know my only therapy is writing, I do it better than speaking itself. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that no matter what happens with God and the power of prayer things can get better. I don't attend church. I don't read the Bible. I have committed a ton of sins but even I know that somethings are just plain wrong. I wanted my first marriage to be my only marriage. I didn't and still don't believe in divorce but you two have taught me that a whole different side of the human race. My heart goes with you even though my heart is probably just sitting in your junk drawer. You gave me something that I am eternally grateful for... My Children. You were my first everything. I wish you well with whatever new journey lies ahead. When it's all said and done,you'll think of me.

Logic

Love makes you do foolish things
But in the end will I look like a fool.
Courage and passion seem alive
Yet death reeks all around.
Patience is a virtue that some have
While others have none.
How do you fix something broken
When all the pieces seem lost.
Who do you follow
Your Logic.....or your Heart
When its all said and done
Ill Always Come Back To You.

Carol

Why are you crying?What makes this any different from tears shed before?Could you or do you still want that life?What will be different?It'll still be there there when and if you go.There will always be the questioning because of the circumstances.What do you want?Is it what you want?or is it that you cant see it the way it is?Fear,pain and tears is whats happening right now.Will it be the same ten years from now?Are you crazy for even doing this?.Writing to myself cause I cant seem to find anyone else who understands.Tell me,tell him.tell her.Why is it so hard to cope when your heart doesnt break even?I dont know what Im doing.What do you miss?What do you need?What is happening to you?

I Am The Highway

At times I wonder how it all came down to this moment when I sit in front of this screen and type away.I find very soothing to be able to do this,its my diary of some sort I guess.I dont do it for you and yours,I do it for me to keep my sanity in check.I know you dont  understand why I write but from the looks of it I know you read it.Im not afraid of what comes out onto this screen I write when Im happy,when Im sad and even when Im mad.I dont know maybe Im helping someone out there.?I dont really know where this post is going but Ill continue anyway.


I wonder if you remember everything as clearly as I do.I still dont understand even after 10 months that have passed...WHY??? I know Im far from perfect but why did you hurt me the way you did.In the beginning I knew where it was coming from,it was people lying to you telling you lies about me and what I supposedly had done.I have a very clean conscious I dont and didnt have anything to hide from you and I still dont.I remember every thing you said everything you did.I cant get past that.I remained loyal to you for so long and even after all the abuse started.I did think about it a few times but I couldnt.Simple as that.I was there for everyhting.Helped you build from the ground up everything you wanted to have and you still couldnt see or believe in me.I knew of your shadows that always followed but I stuck around.What did I do to get treated like shit by you?In the end though I did tell you everything and after being abused for 10 years I did do the thing you thought I always did,only difference is that it wasnt with anyone you knew.You wanna know why...every person you accused me with is and still isnt worth my time not then and never will be worth my time.I know this is probably not important but for someone like myself who sits here and thinks of everything I endured and yet I stand with my head held high speaks millions.Im not bitter because I know that at one point in my life I wanted to be with you.Unfortunately it didnt give or bring the happiness I deserve.Now I look at you and actually wish you the best with someone else.Ive closed that chapter in my life.I know what it feels like to put myself first,my happiness that I onced thought I had isnt compared to what it is now.(my Audioslave Pandora Radio is on point right now)I dont have everything I want and need but I will soon enough.I pray that Karma isnt a bitch to you.I hope one day Ill be able to understand why everything happened the way it did,but untill then Ill have my blog to express every feeling I have.I hope I do find peace at the end of this tunnel.

Feelings

When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.

Truth Is....

It may come easy to you, but when your dealing with a person like myself it doesn't came as easy to me.When I hurt I don't show it,when I'm sad I don't and wont let you know.I want to cry every single day that passes by but I CANT !!!!! It wont do any good.I'm more of a drink my pain away or better yet smile in photographs just to make you think everything is ok.Deep down inside this tough exterior that I put up is a girl with many doubts and so much pain that not even you would be able to handle. I'm just as human as you are,maybe even a little weaker.Though I regret nothing I do in fact reminisce of the good that came, and with that being said....I leave wanting you to ask me for more.

Lies & Deception

I tell you this week is not even over and it has been sooo shitty!!! Big Black is not fucking working,she's my burban!!! now I gotta walk everywhere I need to go,good thing is school is a block away and I need the excersise.I really hope 2012 is way better than this year it fucking sucked balls!!!!!! Ive still been looking for work but no luck.Monday was even worse,I mean I understand that sometime people have to lie in order to NOT hurt the people around them but to lie and shut the door in your face is something totally different.I know that lies can hurt and even destroy the things around you but shit really how do you tell four different lies in one conversation,then to think that this particular person was the only one we could see and trust the way we did...a fucking shame.but its okay as I blog about all my troubles I know there are some stupid fucking air headed people who will use this to their advantage and go run their fucking piece of shit ass mouth and sweety go ahead what more can you do to me????? Im used to not having anyone I can trust,Im used to not having family who I can turn too,used to always being the subject in someones conversation and you know what Im still standing and Im still doing all the things I want and can do.I hate not being able to express myself only because I always think about the other people around me and the stupid "what if" I hurt them bullshit.and that my friends is why I blog to express my hurt and disappointment,my thoughts and if this is the only way to do it then so be it.I know I need just a little bit of faith to overcome some of these things but it gets hard really hard for me at times.Oh and I forgot to mention that I deleted my facebook because that too was a way for you bitches to keep tabs on me,FUCK YOU !!!!!! and may you whores keep doing what you do best....Being Sluts,Bitches & Skanks.
Okay I feel better now and to the people who do wish to see me succeed, Thank You.