Looking Up

After a couple of shitty weeks and days it seems that maybe just maybe things are starting to turn around.I am once again sick!! :( I hate it passionately but this time around Im taking some sort of medicine cause you know I cant stay sick for long.I am thinking about going back to school which I may start in January and I have found a J-O-B !!!!! Im so proud of myself !!!!! its part time but something is something and LORD knows Ive been looking for a very long time!!Overall things are falling into place and I am very grateful for that and thats all I ever want for things to be easy and non dramatic.Thats all for now :)

XOXO

B.S.F

FYF

This week has been pretty tough and today seems perfect for this.I broke down for the first time in a very long time,you see I try not to let shit get to me but this one over did it.

Fawk You-Marriage cause sometimes your a BITCH!!!

Fawk You-YOU,how dare you say that shit to me!!

Fawk You-Weather how do you go from the 80's to the 40's in the same week??????

Fawk You-To anyone who likes to talk shit about me,keep on hating BITCH!!!!!!

Most of all FAWK YOU !!!!!!

That's all I have for today.

Real Talk

WHY.......For as many years as I can remember I've been asking my self this same question.How much more of this am I gonna be able to take without completely breaking down.You see I grew up in a home where I had an alcoholic father and a mother who would get beat to pulp because of this said disease.I always seem to be able to remember the bad stuff I saw from my childhood,I never can remember any good and happy things going on around me.As the years went by nothing changed,everything stayed the same even when she was pregnant.I remember hiding under a table and watching as he was about to strike when I scared shitless yelled"dont hit my mom" that keep him calm for that night and that night only.Things just seemed to stay the same for a very long time.Until one day she left us at the sitters house to go find work maybe that was the only way she could get away from it all.We would stay until 7 even 8 pm then it was a quick hurry up and go to sleep.Then my brothers were born and things seemed like just maybe it was gonna be okay but it wasn't.All my life I have been surrounded by abuse.Mine started at the age of 16,till this day.I don't know what more I can take,I know I'm not perfect but FUCK!!!!!! I am human the shit you say hurt me.I stay home,I may not have the house smelling like fucking Martha Stewart but give me some credit we do have 4 boys living in this house.I want to be the perfect house wife you want me to be but I CANT. I do things the only way I know how little by little I didn't have a mom to teach all this shit.You compare me to her.. I'm always yelling and bitching but I'm not like her I sit and help my kids do their best in school,I tech them that one day I'm not gonna be there to do everything for them so they need to learn how to cook and clean even if its only using the microwave.I don't understand how being my husband you can say"I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH YOU THAT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU" I have to ask for government assistance because if I didn't how would we eat?I have to ask your family for money when we need it.I have to pick up after yourself when you come home and leave all your stuff on the floor.I think I do it all and I still have to put a smile on my fucking face when we go out, if I don't I'm just a bitch.I want to be able to cry it all out but I cant because the kids are always around.Yeah I've made mistakes,mistakes that always come back up.I just wish I knew what to do.I bet You didn't know that I have tried to NO SUCCESS to commit suicide not 1 but 3 times.At the age of 12 I put a loaded gun to my head took the safety off closed my eyes took a deep breath and said fuck it,nothing happened WHY? At 15 I took 2 full bottles of prescription medicine hoping to never wake up and I woke up and puked everything out WHY? 16 I cut my wrist and saw and felt all the blood drain from me.I looked out the window and said "please I don't want to do this anymore" but of course I woke the fuck up!!! WHY ?????!!!!!! why am still here? why am I still being abused? why must this shit happen to me? why or what is my purpose here??? One day when I'm not around people are gonna wish that they knew all this shit,wish they could of did something to help me out instead of insulting my parenting skills,my life,my marriage.the only way thing I know how to do is block everything out and make sure that my kids see a smile on their moms face.that I tell them everything will be okay and that I love them.My only question is still the same WHY??????????? Will I ever get the answer......who knows.