Different Plans

Well my plans have changed,I am now moving back to Houston.I really don't want to move back but I am not able to find a reliable sitter for my boys here.Talked to my mother and of course she said it was fine to move back in to her house,though I know that's gonna suck major ass I gotta do it.I am beyond stressed I wake up tired,go to sleep tired,I gotta wake my boys up at 6am to make sure they aren't late to school because they attend school close by my job which is a 45 min drive from my sister house.I know that going back will be hard but its the only thing I can do right now.I will continue to work I have already talked to my agent(staffing) and I have a job waiting for me when I get there.The city of Austin has been nothing but good to me and I will miss it dearly but I have to do whats best for my boys and I.I also know that I wont be bothered by the ex cause he has since moved to San Antonio,that puts a distance between us on the other hand though it ll be a little tough to see my other boys more often but they know that I love them very much.One thing I do want to see happen is that I don't have to stay that long at mothers house cause that's bound to cause me some stress but hey for now my main focus is getting to work and taking good care of my babies.

Little Update

No one said it would be easy but no one told me how hard it would really be.A little update...
I have 2 of my boys here with me!! My Phillip and my Otis ofcourse the mamas boys :) I am able to smile,to laugh again.All because of them,they love it here.Theres so many things we've done together.They attend school and of course they love it.My next step is to start doing the sports thing,football and baseball.Im still working so everything is going well.I talk more often to my other boys, wish they were here but hey Im happy to at least have 2 for now.Well thats it for now,talk to you guys later.

XOXO  :)

Pain & Pleasure

I hope no better yet I know you'll read this.I need and want yall to know this. Everything that Ive done in my life hasnt had any meaning until I became a mother,a mother to not only 1 but 4 boys who I would give up my life for.You have no fucking idea how I feel and if you really knew me you'd know that as every day passes me by Im slowly falling apart.If I left them I left them  because as a father to my children I have NO complaints what so ever,if he was good at anything in his fucked up life it was being a father.If I dont have themwith me at this very second its because Im building up what Ive lost for so many years.I want and I know I will have them with me even if that means making sure that none of yall see them.(Hurry print this out and hand it to the lawyer)I hope my pain brings you pleasure.I do though want to ask you something,Did you ever see me when my entire face was bruised and I had a black eye for about a month and a half?Did you ever notice the scars I carry with me everyday?Did you ever help me clean up my own blood? Did you ever help me walk when I couldnt because 2 10 lbs weight were thrown at me? Did you ever help me rub my back when it was full of bruises? Did you ever notice why I ALWAYS wore shirts that were 2 sizes too big for me? Did you know that it started when I was 16 years old and under your roof? Did you ever hear me cry out for help?Did you fucking ever wonder why?I always ask my self why,why is he doing this,why is he hurting me,why is so controlling. I still dont have an answer.There are days that the only things I can think about is all the fucking memories of pain he instilled in me.How does a man do this to someone who was BEYOND LOYAL to him? I stood next to him when he had nothing,when he had to steal,when he had to deal drugs,when he couldnt even put food on our table to eat and even after all that he still put his hands on me.I didnt deserve any of it.No one ever does. If and when you read this I know that now the things that YOU think Ive suffered are more than what you can handle.This is just some MINOR details that I bring up,you havent had the full story yet.I afraid of what youll think of both him and I if you really knew the entire story.So much pain is inside of me and theres not enough time for me to be able to fully tell my story.I miss those boys very much,you have no idea.I will tell you this though even after all this pain my pleasure will come when I have all 4 of them in my arms again.

Feelings

When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.

For You I Will

I hope that one day you find this, and that youll know exactly of what it is that I want.

I can no longer keep going without you.I miss you every day.I need you more than youll ever know.What I want is to be able to see you when I wake up,to see you when Im about to go to sleep,to see you throughout the day,to hear your voices,to be able to kiss you, to be able to hold you.I dont have any of that.It brings me nothing but pain to be here without you.Theres nothing more in this world that I want than to be with you.The 1st and ONLY mistake Ive ever done was leave you behind.I feel lost,I feel so alone.Im sorry if you think of this as me being selfish but its not,Im not.I want to get back to you so desperately but Im afraid.Im afraid that if I return I wont make it out alive.Im afraid of the pain that I know Ill receive,afraid of of being hurt in front of you.I really have been thinking of going back...Im tired.I want to be with you.I miss hearing your laugh,I miss eveything.I wish I wasnt so far away.All I really have is some fucking photographs that I look at constantly.I hope that what Im doing is the right thing.Im always second guessing my choices but if I would of stayed I know that I wouldnt be alive right now.I chose to run away from the abuse,the hurt,the pain.I just needed out.One day I will tell you everything from the very beginning and I wont stop until I get to the day that my life flash before my eyes.Please forgive me if at any time that Im gone you cry for me,forgive me for not being there to talk too like we used to,forgive for missing important dates,forgive me for missing out on milestones.Please forgive me.You are the most important thing in my life.You are the reason I live for. You are the reason why I must wake up every morning.As these tears fall I hope your able to understand why I must write.I know that one day I will have you but it seems to be taking forever.

I love you,I miss you,I want you,I need you.
For you I will do whatever it takes.

A Letter To My Boys.
Daniel,Joshua,Phillip & Otis.

Next Time Around

One Question-
When you see me again, what will you say ?

Lyrics

and every time I talked to you this song came on, now I know why........

"If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change."

"Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it so badly,
'Cause the lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change."

Tristes Recuerdos

Solamente en una fotografia te recuerdo.

Truth Is....

It may come easy to you, but when your dealing with a person like myself it doesn't came as easy to me.When I hurt I don't show it,when I'm sad I don't and wont let you know.I want to cry every single day that passes by but I CANT !!!!! It wont do any good.I'm more of a drink my pain away or better yet smile in photographs just to make you think everything is ok.Deep down inside this tough exterior that I put up is a girl with many doubts and so much pain that not even you would be able to handle. I'm just as human as you are,maybe even a little weaker.Though I regret nothing I do in fact reminisce of the good that came, and with that being said....I leave wanting you to ask me for more.

Weekend Report

This was me happy and tipsy this weekend !!!

Random Post

Two nights in a row I have dreamed of you, both times we're both talking like how we used to except the only difference is that this time around there is no flirting what so ever,it;s just the two of us talking plain and simple.I miss that, I really do.I hope that I'm able to have these dreams turn into a reality.Even if it is in my dreams it puts a smile on my face.Thank You.

& The Tears Fell

I thought I had this feelings in order and in control but then something happened that I wasnt expecting.I only saw you as the person I could count on to put a smile on my face regardless of what I was going through,you were someone I thought would never bring tears to my eyes and unknowingly you did,maybe not on purpose but you hurt me in a way that I cant explain.I havent felt that way since the very first time someone broke my heart.I look at your picture and I see you differently and thats what hurts the most,you are now one of the many people that has hurt me.I really wish I could take that day back and go on as if everything was fine just like before where everything familiar reminded me of you.I hope that when Im able to see you again Ill be able to see you the same way and smile and think of the good times I shared with you, but if I dont then Ill just leave you with a smile and walk away knowing that I wasnt as important to you as you were to me.It hurts to know that your happy without me and even more that I know I dont cross your mind anymore.From the bottom of my heart I wish you the very best and I really hope to see you again soon.

Working With The Enemy

Hey Guys, what the hell have yall been up too? I miss yall !!! As for me I have started to work once again and its going pretty good.I am doing staffing and Ive come across some pretty cool people.I do however have a story to tell yall...They sent me to an assignment that not to far from the house soo I get there early and ready to work and guess what happens next...the assistant manager who is to be "training" me happens to be one of the BITCHES I have on my Hate List!!!few years back shit went down and she was the cause of a brief separation between the hubs and I.This bitch here did nothing to help me out,didnt show me around pretty much sat her fat ugly ass down the entire time.I on the other hand was being the bigger person so to say,I was trying to ask her for help since I was working with software I hadnt yet used before in my line of work,stupid bitch kept ignoring me!! needless to say in my mind I was killing and beating the shit out that tramp!!!!those two days were fucking horrible!! I hated it!! but I will soon write a post that she has coming because if she thinks she has had the last laugh she is dead wrong.I know one day maybe Karma may get me back for what I did but you know what I know that bitch and so far we're fucking tight!!hahaha.Anyways Im gonna try to blog more often and continue with my other blog but for now I just wanted to say Hi and Bye!!
XOXO
P.S excuse my spelling doing this from work so Im typing as fast as I can :)

Blog Stalk Friday

V-Day Swap Reveal

Host-
Tara
Celia
Meg

My Partner-
Ashley

Blog Love & Giveaway

To all the gals who read this blog do me a favor and show some blog love to Nikki Darlin' she's wants to get to 200 followers and she'll do a giveaway makeup,nail polish books and all kinds of other crap us girls love!!! Come on guys do it now!!!!!!

Karma's Friend

You know what really gets under my skin...when people make assumptions about me from what they have heard from other people.I know Im not the prettiest girl around shit I may not even come off as a smart girl at times but shit what gives you any right to talk about me to other people who dont know me?!I understand that Im not perfect because in my 26 years of life I have made some fucked up shit and yes I have learned from my mistakes because thats what people do they make mistakes and learn from them.I dont have anything that is worth someone looking at me and saying"I wish I had that" what I do have is a husband and kids,I have nothing to my name, not even a house hell not even a fucking car.What is it about my life that you find soo fucking great?I dont have a perfect marriage its far from that.Im a high school drop out,I had my first kid at the tender age of 17.I stay at home while my husband literally kills himself to provide for us.What do you dislike or better yet what or why do you find my life so interesting to keep talking about it?I am socially akward person,thats just who I am I dont allow other people to see the person I really am because I hate to be judged,I dont judge anyone!!not even when I should tahts not for me to decide or to even talk about.I dont ever let anyone or anything get to me beacause the way I see it is that if you tak that much time to concentrate to talk about me than you certainly dont have enough time to take care of your own shit and thats why the things around you dont go as planned,but this time Im pissed.I hate and I do mean hate people like that,that can one day smile to your face as if everything is okay and the next theyre barking like the bitch they truly are.WHY? I just dont get it???!!!! Really if you think that by talking bad about me makes you look any better baby girl it doesnt, because as the people you are telling these lies too are getting to know me they are noticing that the fake bitch is really you!!!!I dont have to put on a fake smile to every event I go to because I do like being out and about,I do like being seen as the awkward silent girl then the girl I heard this about and so on.Please believe that Karma is a bitch and that bitch has a good friend named Carol and that said friend can turn your life into a fucking living hell if need be.I am not afarid to get air out anything and everything I know.I can and will always be a true frind,a friend that will have your back thick or thin,a friend that you will always remember and say "Damn,I miss that girl" a friend who will always be around no matter how near or far you are.I can also be that girl who you hate,the girl who made you cry,the girl who made you question your exsistance,the girl who you wished you never lost,the girl that your scared to look at,the girl who makes your life a living hell,the girl who will spit on your name and laugh,the girl who you didnt expect to do all these things.I dont like to be that girl,I really dont but when you push my buttons to that extreme I can be that girl and I will not have any remorse for the actions that come after it.I always try my very best to keep everyone happy because I love to love if that makes any sense.Im a kind soul and I do see good in everyone but the world is full of shady people and I know I have to roll with the punches but fuck it, a girl can only do soo much.
Well thats it for my fuck you post,other than that Im having a good start of the week and weekend was beyond good.Make it a good week you guys,Love Ya!!!

New Year,New Outlook

Happy New Years folks!!! yeah I know its a little late but hey be happy no bullshit this year.Hope everyone had a good one,I did for once in my drinking lifetime I didnt drink!! YAY me!! well I had 1 beer yes 1 beer oh and a glass of champagne with the grapes you know.I have to say that I actually had a good time I was looking fly wearing a dress and I finally got to wear my 5 inch heels,they were all glittery and it was an epic fail!!!! I almost feel 3 times,I was walking soooooo damn slow it wasnt even funny but I looked damn good in them and yes beauty hurts!!!!!Kids had a hell of a ggod time popping fireworks since for 4th of july we had that stupid band.2011 was such a shitty year and you guys know it cause of course you read my crazy posts.2012 started really good no hangover and we also came home which was another 1st for us,were mid week and still its going good.I actually think that maybe this year will be the year for us.I hope so atleast.New Years is also the birthday of one of my bonus babies and we all got to talk to him which made me very happy since the Baby Mama is fucking crazy and never and I do mean NEVER lets us see them or even talk to them on the phone.I wont give her that much importance right now since I do have a post planned for her and the ugly fat bitch that fucked around with my husband a few years back and I will make sure they read it and when they do shit will hit the fan!!!!!! Anyway my post will change into a different language right now so get out your google translator.
No se porque pero toda la noche estuve pensando en ti,como quisera verte para saber de ti.No se si tu piensas en mi como yo a ti pero lo unico que puedo decirte es que te extrano.Este ano te deseo lo mejor que sigas logrando todo de lo que puedes acer.Hasta pronto :)
Okay well thats it for now and I hope you guys have a kick ass 2012!!
Love ya Bunches :)