Guess So

Thank You

Rose Colored Lenses

I love you. I really do but things will Never be the same. Not only did I live a fucking lie thinking that the man I loved so much could change his ways. I had to deal with not only one but two females while we were together and under the same roof. One Bitch didn't care that she was the other woman,she was actually proud. The other broad tried to play the I would never do that.card with me. Now I have 2 women pregnant by my husband. I feel so fucking stupid. Both pregnancies happened while we were living together. You're a real piece of work. I wish I could go back and change many things about our relationship but I can't. I now see you for what you really are. You're a fucking liar,a cheater,a woman beater and I am beyond thankful that I found this out while I was away. My feelings for you will always remain the same, after all I did spend 13 years with you and you gave me 4 amazing boys. But I no longer see through rose colored lenses. When I talk to you it's completely different now,I talk to a person I once knew. Im sorry for anytime that I made you cry. Just remember though the tears I shed were way stronger and deeper than anything that will ever come from you. 

Everything Changes

Today was one of those days that would eventually turn into a do nothing mentality but I decided that I needed to do this not for myself but for the 4 boys that I finally have with me. I got my stuff together and hit the streets hard. I accomplished everything on my to do list. The things I thoughts I wasn't going to do, I did them. I looked at your picture today and asked my self why? Why didn't it work out? Why did I even think that what we had was much stronger than any outside intruder? One thing did come to mind right away. Even though I know my road will be rocky, I know that my boys will be holding my hands as we walk this path and we will be okay. I truly miss going to sleep next to you. I miss waking up to you and walking you out the door. I miss hearing the babies ask if daddys going to work. I miss that. What I don't miss is the lying. The women around you. The late hours you would come home. The smell of alcohol on you. I am actually at peace with what's going on. My main focus is on how I can show and teach these boys how to become great men. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for out there.

Carol 8/12/13

What Hurts The Most

It hurts to know that I still love you. It hurts because I gave you everything I had. It hurts because even after me finding out about your lies, you still couldn't tell me the truth. It hurts because even after all these years 13 to be exact, I miss you when you're not around. It hurts because I have to look into my babies eyes and see the sadness they're experiencing. I gave you more than enough opportunities to save our marriage but most importantly our family. You didn't take those opportunities to fix what was wrong, you used them to continue doing your things your way. Even after all these lies,after all these women, I still love you. There is one thing that I do love more than you though... My 4 boys. I love myself as well and just enough to know that the way you were treating us was wrong. I understand now why people stay with their significant other for years after so much damage has been done. LOVE. They do it for love. I did it for love. For the love I still have for you. For the love of seeing our family together. For the love of being there for one another. For the love of watching our sons grow,laugh and play together. I did it because of Love. Though I'm extremely angry with you right now I know that it will pass. I know there will be a day that I'll be able to face you but right now I can't. I hope that one day you wake up and realize the things you did to us,the lies you said to us were wrong. I hope you don't end up alone and have all your kids hating you. I hope you don't have to live the life your dad is living but I think we both know that's exactly where you're heading. Goodbye My Love
You will always be the first man in my life. My first husband. My first ex-husband. My first everything.

To Life,To Love & To You

You can't always get what you want in life. You either get it to early to and don't appreciate it or you get it too late and you still don't fully understand what you have in front of you. The worst part about pain is the unexpected kind,the kind that hits you right in your heart. Can two souls that are meant to find each other really live without each other? Peace & clarity are in tune with each other right now. I have peace,you need clarity. For if the two shall meet once again I know that the force that is driven within our souls will finally reach it's destiny. As painful as it may be,it will be okay. To love someone is the greatest gift you can give but to lose that someone is a pain that will live within you forever. For I now know what must be done. I will see you again old friend. I wish you a journey full of peace,full of clarity,full of excitement but most of all I wish you the very best. A love like this comes once in a lifetime. I will forever be grateful for the blessings you have given me. I will always be there to remind you that I once was one of your greatest joys in life. I will always have the pleasure to say that man over there.... He was my husband a long time ago. I will always love you and that's something that no one can take away from me. I'll see you later baby. Good luck. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Your Beloved 1st Wife,
Carol

Lost In Love

Broken promises, missed opportunities & painful heartache is what you have given me. Love doesn't conquer all because if it did then you would still be right next to me. I leave with nothing but memories of you hurting me, lying to me and even after everything has been said and done you still didn't love me enough to tell me the truth.  Goodbye Old Friend. 

Follow Your Heart

By all means do what your heart.tells you. Yes I left "The door open for another woman to walk in." like you both like to say. What I didn't think was that you were going to disrespect the fact that you were still a married man. You disrespected the vows we made on February 27. You think you have yourself a winner.... boy she has you fooled. A real woman who ends up knowing that the man she is attracted to is still married and has small children should have enough respect for herself to know that if one day she were to be in that position she wouldn't want another woman interfering in her marriage. A real woman would say if it's meant to be we'll be together someday and I will not be the cause of a family separation. A real woman would atleast have the decency to talk with the wife and explain her side if the story. A real woman would not bash on the wives mistakes. A real woman would simply wait to see how this "love" turns out. A real woman would never ever be the other woman. You know my only therapy is writing, I do it better than speaking itself. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that no matter what happens with God and the power of prayer things can get better. I don't attend church. I don't read the Bible. I have committed a ton of sins but even I know that somethings are just plain wrong. I wanted my first marriage to be my only marriage. I didn't and still don't believe in divorce but you two have taught me that a whole different side of the human race. My heart goes with you even though my heart is probably just sitting in your junk drawer. You gave me something that I am eternally grateful for... My Children. You were my first everything. I wish you well with whatever new journey lies ahead. When it's all said and done,you'll think of me.

Live & Learn