Hour After Hour

Rose Colored Lenses

I love you. I really do but things will Never be the same. Not only did I live a fucking lie thinking that the man I loved so much could change his ways. I had to deal with not only one but two females while we were together and under the same roof. One Bitch didn't care that she was the other woman,she was actually proud. The other broad tried to play the I would never do that.card with me. Now I have 2 women pregnant by my husband. I feel so fucking stupid. Both pregnancies happened while we were living together. You're a real piece of work. I wish I could go back and change many things about our relationship but I can't. I now see you for what you really are. You're a fucking liar,a cheater,a woman beater and I am beyond thankful that I found this out while I was away. My feelings for you will always remain the same, after all I did spend 13 years with you and you gave me 4 amazing boys. But I no longer see through rose colored lenses. When I talk to you it's completely different now,I talk to a person I once knew. Im sorry for anytime that I made you cry. Just remember though the tears I shed were way stronger and deeper than anything that will ever come from you. 

Life

It's my birthday !!! The big 28 !! Looking forward to what lies ahead.

Just Remember

You reap what you sow. That's what they say. Karma can be a bitch. Everyday the world turns and for some it can turn out to be good for others bad. This may be your karma. You decided to spend my first born sons birthday with your mistress. I didn't even get to see him until 3 days later. This year you won't be able to spend the boys birthdays with them because they'll be with me. The only difference is that I don't have anyone who will be taking your place. It's sad that things didn't work out. You haven't grown up. You still haven't filled yourself with the temptations that the world has. I just want you to remember one thing. All these women want you because your name comes with a title. That title comes with money. What they don't know is the struggle WE had to endure while getting to the top. They weren't there to fill out every single application. They weren't there when you needed help to pass every drug test. They weren't there when you needed help completing every work order. They weren't they when you wanted and needed to pass your test to become the ac tech you are today. They weren't there waiting for you to be released from jail over and over again. They weren't there when your ex was being difficult. THEY WEREN'T THERE. I WAS. I was there for all of it. I was there when it was hard for us to even keep our utilities on. I always knew that you were worth the wait because I believed in you. I knew that no matter what life threw at us the end result would be great. Now that you have everything, it shows. That's why these women want you. They want the name and status you come with. No matter what you tell them about me, like all the times I left. The times I didn't do the things I was supposed to do. How I apparently cheated. How I lied. How I didn't clean. Just remember to tell them that because of ME  you are the man they see today. Because no matter how many other names you tattoo on your body my name will always remain above your heart because that's exactly where I belong. 12 years I gave you. And even that wasn't enough for you. I will always love you more than you'll ever know. And I truly want nothing but the best for you.

Everything Changes

Today was one of those days that would eventually turn into a do nothing mentality but I decided that I needed to do this not for myself but for the 4 boys that I finally have with me. I got my stuff together and hit the streets hard. I accomplished everything on my to do list. The things I thoughts I wasn't going to do, I did them. I looked at your picture today and asked my self why? Why didn't it work out? Why did I even think that what we had was much stronger than any outside intruder? One thing did come to mind right away. Even though I know my road will be rocky, I know that my boys will be holding my hands as we walk this path and we will be okay. I truly miss going to sleep next to you. I miss waking up to you and walking you out the door. I miss hearing the babies ask if daddys going to work. I miss that. What I don't miss is the lying. The women around you. The late hours you would come home. The smell of alcohol on you. I am actually at peace with what's going on. My main focus is on how I can show and teach these boys how to become great men. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for out there.

Carol 8/12/13

The Hulk Says

You know what hurts the most, our incredible hulk is the one who is suffering the most. Last night (7-15) he asked me this"Mom if dad has an apartment why didn't we go live with him?Why are we at grandmas house?" So sad that I didn't even know how to respond to that. Then it happened,he started crying and proceeded to say this "Dad doesn't care about anyone". I will tell you this there will never be a day that I would ever talk bad about you to our children. That's not my style. If at any time our boys ever hold any resentment towards you it's because You hurt them. Boys need their fathers to show them how to one day become a great man. Maybe my hulk is right,maybe you don't care but its hurtful to know how a 6 year old came up with this theory. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

To Life,To Love & To You

You can't always get what you want in life. You either get it to early to and don't appreciate it or you get it too late and you still don't fully understand what you have in front of you. The worst part about pain is the unexpected kind,the kind that hits you right in your heart. Can two souls that are meant to find each other really live without each other? Peace & clarity are in tune with each other right now. I have peace,you need clarity. For if the two shall meet once again I know that the force that is driven within our souls will finally reach it's destiny. As painful as it may be,it will be okay. To love someone is the greatest gift you can give but to lose that someone is a pain that will live within you forever. For I now know what must be done. I will see you again old friend. I wish you a journey full of peace,full of clarity,full of excitement but most of all I wish you the very best. A love like this comes once in a lifetime. I will forever be grateful for the blessings you have given me. I will always be there to remind you that I once was one of your greatest joys in life. I will always have the pleasure to say that man over there.... He was my husband a long time ago. I will always love you and that's something that no one can take away from me. I'll see you later baby. Good luck. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Your Beloved 1st Wife,
Carol

Follow Your Heart

By all means do what your heart.tells you. Yes I left "The door open for another woman to walk in." like you both like to say. What I didn't think was that you were going to disrespect the fact that you were still a married man. You disrespected the vows we made on February 27. You think you have yourself a winner.... boy she has you fooled. A real woman who ends up knowing that the man she is attracted to is still married and has small children should have enough respect for herself to know that if one day she were to be in that position she wouldn't want another woman interfering in her marriage. A real woman would say if it's meant to be we'll be together someday and I will not be the cause of a family separation. A real woman would atleast have the decency to talk with the wife and explain her side if the story. A real woman would not bash on the wives mistakes. A real woman would simply wait to see how this "love" turns out. A real woman would never ever be the other woman. You know my only therapy is writing, I do it better than speaking itself. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that no matter what happens with God and the power of prayer things can get better. I don't attend church. I don't read the Bible. I have committed a ton of sins but even I know that somethings are just plain wrong. I wanted my first marriage to be my only marriage. I didn't and still don't believe in divorce but you two have taught me that a whole different side of the human race. My heart goes with you even though my heart is probably just sitting in your junk drawer. You gave me something that I am eternally grateful for... My Children. You were my first everything. I wish you well with whatever new journey lies ahead. When it's all said and done,you'll think of me.

Sudden Changes

Funny how my attitude changes as soon as I look through different images of you. I go from smiling ear to ear, then it all goes away. Everything changes so quickly and so suddenly that I'm stuck with the realization of what it is and what it was.